By Hugh Jashol
Article 107 News has learned that in a quiet Rose Garden ceremony held in the waning days of his presidency, President Barack Obama officially recognized US Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl as America’s “Most Deployed Soldier.” He also presented Bergdahl with long-overdue Purple Heart and Prisoner of War medals, and promoted the young noncommissioned officer to the rank of staff sergeant.
“These awards are a long time in coming,” said the President, who seemed much happier to talk about Bergdahl than the dozen or so US sailors who are currently being held by Iran. “As we all know, it has long been the position of my administration that Bergdahl served with honor and distinction while deployed, and it is only right that he receives both the Purple Heart and the Prisoner of War medal.”
As for the distinction of “Most Deployed Soldier,” the President explained: “Now Bowe, he has, uh, he has a lot of time downrange, and uh, most of it wasn’t in, you know, the best conditions.”
Pointing to the horizontal hash marks on the right sleeve of Bergdahl’s uniform, the President continued, “Now, I’m told each one of these stripes represents six months of honorable service in combat. SIX MONTHS! Now, I know that, uh, a lot of soldiers have a bunch of those ‘combat stripes’ as well, but they were earned in much easier conditions, or, uh, on much shorter deployments than Bergdahl.”
“Now, my man Bowe here, who by the way we traded for five terrorist leaders who were not at all a threat to the US, my man Bowe here did FIVE STRAIGHT YEARS in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yeah, sure, those Rangers or Special Delta Seal Forces or whatever, yeah they do a lot of time away. But it’s just, uh, just two, three, four months at a time, tops. Staff Sergeant Bergdahl here got all ten of his stripes IN A ROW! Now THAT Is dedication! I’d like to see those “special operators” do something like that!”
After presenting Bergdahl with his awards and promoting him to the rank of Staff Sergeant, President Obama also pre-emptively implemented executive clemency to allow Bergdahl to forego the formality of actually having a court martial before the President decides to pardon him in the waning days of his administration. Pentagon sources tell us that Bergdahl will report to Fort Bragg, North Carolina, where he will serve as a platoon sergeant in the storied 82nd Airborne Division.
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Obviously, this event never happened. And while SGT Bergdahl’s defense team has asked for a Presidential pardon, the President is unlikely to grant him one.