U.S. Navy Arms Submarines with Lasers to Counteract “Sharks with freaking laser beams on their heads.”
by Untactic Al
February 7, 2020
According to a recent article in Popular Mechanics: “The Navy is Arming Nuclear Submarines With Lasers and No One Knows Why.”
Of course I was not about to let this stone go unturned, and as many of you already know, I have contacts deep within the DoD and the Pentagon. But in this case all I had to do was buy a round of Shirley Temples for an Admiral who thought they had alcohol in them. After just two he spilled his guts like an admin troop getting an incentive ride in a fighter right after pulling 2 Gs. As it turned out it was good thing that I had my recorder app running because as soon as I asked about the laser subs he just kept talking until he passed out. So here’s the poop, straight from an Admirals mouth.
“Lasers on subs? Hell yes! We put lasers on everything that moves and doesn’t move. Ever screw with a cat using a laser pointer? Hilarious! We sometimes take them aboard a carrier and make them chase the pointer so much that they go overboard. Or into the intake of a Hornet on launch. The look on the pilots face just at the Cat launches and the cat goes down the intake and FODs an engine is just classic. Then listening to the panic in Pri-Fly is almost orgasmic! Talk about RHIP! Then we put lasers on sailors’ Cranials for night ops and the confusion just has us rolling on the deck for hours. You just can’t buy fun like that, unless you do a port call in Thailand. Then you can buy all the fun you want for practically nothing since the JGs want to pay for everything. The idiots think they will get in good with me by doing that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! But they end up paying for me to be working on the railroad. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I bet you don’t even know what that means Mr. Smartypants?!? (Yes I do) So anyways, the subs. None of that was for fun. Serious stuff there that’s still classified Top Top Toppity Top Stab Your Eyes Out Secret. Naval Intelligence happened to intercept an open air broadcast from a scientist who has gone mad, some even say he is evil, and he was airing his grievances and describing his plan for world domination. The truly frightening thing is the weapon he was deploying. Weaponized sharks! How did he weaponize them? Well the answer to that is why we had to put lasers on subs. He put lasers on the sharks’ heads! Sharks with freaking laser beams on their heads!!! So the only defense we could come up with was to put bigger lasers on our subs. No Evil Doctor is going to make a fool of me or the U.S. Navy. Nosiree!”
The Admiral then passed out in a pool of his own Shirley Temple-tinged drool and I placed on online order for 200,000 shares of Consolidated Laser stock. Yep, 2020 is going to be the year of Al.
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
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