Mattel Releases New “Dictator Barbie” in Honor of Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer
by Maxwell Paddington
LANSING, MI — Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has received praise from Democrats for her coronavirus response. Likewise, Michiganders across the state are vehemently celebrating the decisive measures imposed by its statuesque governor. Whitmer’s decrees make it illegal for residents to visit neighbors and require big-box stores to close sections “dedicated to carpeting, flooring, furniture, garden centers, plant nurseries, or paint.”
Seething supporters also took to social media (a Facebook group called “Michiganders Are Enthusiastic, Queen” now has some 350,000 members). The group successfully petitioned Mattel Inc. to immortalize their beloved overlord in polyvinyl chloride (vinyl or PVC), a thermoplastic polymer that is mixed with a plasticizer to make the dolls more flexible and less brittle than PVC alone.
In honor of Gov. Whitmer’s prudent, authoritarian approach, Mattel Inc. is releasing “Petty Dictator Barbie” this Fall. Accessories include: piercing eyes, draconian edicts and a penchant for being “very comfortable that Joe Biden is who he says he is.”