Canada Announces Plans To Build Wall Keeping Out Those Threatening To Move North If Trump Elected; Politely Asks U.S. To Pay For It
by Hugh Jashol
This article first appeared in Article 107 News in 2016.
MONTREAL, CANADA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau expressed alarm today at the growing number of people who threatened to leave the U.S. and move to Canada if Donald Trump was elected President of the United States.
Candidate Trump’s popularity within the United States drove many pampered liberal celebrities to make empty threats about leaving the country and emigrating to Canada if Trump won the election for US president in 2016… which he did.
Although almost no one ever follows through on these promises, Canada is taking no chances. Out of concern for its largely-unprotected 5,000+ mile border with the U.S., Canada is building a wall to keep out the expected surge of illegal American immigrants who will pour into Canada after a Trump triumph in November.
And, Trudeau says, Canada wants America to pay for it.
“We already absorbed plenty of your countrymen during the Vietnam War, and even though most of them returned to the U.S. after President Carter granted them amnesty back in 1977, it is notoriously hard to get rid of people once they come to Canada,” Prime Minister Trudeau said in “An Open Letter to the American People,” which was filmed in a Tom Horton’s coffee shop and broadcast throughout North America by French-language Canadian television channel TVA… which seemed a bit pointless, since no one in America speaks French. “This is especially true if they’re refugees fleeing political turmoil, the kind that’s currently going on in Syria and is likely to ensue in the US after during the Trump administration.”
“During his rise to power,” the Prime Minister continued, “Donald Trump promised to build a wall to keep illegal immigrants out of the US. Well, what’s good for the Canada Goose is good for the American Gander. So, we’re going to build a wall to keep the Americans out. And we want America to pay for it.” Then, remembering his Canadian manners, he added “Please.”
Prime Minister Trudeau was not without compassion, however. In true Canadian fashion, he offered a compromise:
“Look, we’ll take all of your hockey players, your college-aged women, and anyone who likes bacon. But that’s it. You guys can keep Nickleback, Justin Bieber, and Jim Carrey as Canada’s contribution to American culture. Hell, we’ll even throw in Pamela Anderson and Tommy Chong, you can have them for keeps.”
“But America, you have to keep Al Sharpton, Miley Cyrus, and Cher. And if you allow Rosie O’Donnell to cross the border, we will consider that AN ACT OF WAR.”
“I don’t understand it,” the Prime Minister concluded, “It’s almost like America WANTS all of these people to leave the country. It seems like the threats of all of these B-list celebrities to leave the country if Trump is elected only makes Trump’s popularity grow. Thank goodness Kanye West didn’t threaten to leave; that would probably have made Trump’s electoral college win a popular vote landslide.”
“So let’s get this wall built, so we Canadians to go back to more important things, like worrying about how we’re going to stop the “Spocking” epidemic that is rocking our country. Let’s get this wall up, and let’s make Canada great again, eh?”
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
Canadians are so funny…
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.