Nobel Peace Prize Now a Required Benchmark for Enlisted U.S. Air Force Promotions
by Untactic Al
September 25, 2019
JOINT BASE ANACOSTIA-BOLLING (WASHINGTON, D.C.) – As the USAF enlisted ranks dwindle due to the stresses of life in the military, promotion boards have struggled to find differentiators amongst the few that remain. A senior official agreed to talk with Article 107 News off the record and was adamant that he remain anonymous, thus referred to as “Deep Throat”. Deep Throat agreed to meet at the Base Library because nobody is ever there.
Me: Thanks for meeting with me today.
Deep Throat: What? Oh yeah, whatever.
Me: So what is the issue regarding promotion boards?
Deep Throat: Integrity, Service Before Self, and Excellence In All We Do. (USAF Core Values)
Me: Pardon me?
Deep Throat: Nobody can remember the words to say. I mean it’s plastered everywhere and people still can’t remember to say it. It makes our job hard because it’s on the promotion interview checklist.
Me: But aren’t the principles behind it the most important thing?
Deep Throat: No, that’s not on our checklist.
Me: So what other issues are you seeing?
Deep Throat: Well for one it’s the ribbons. We had an E-5 come in and he had three times as many as I did. Somebody has messed up in my food chain.
Me: Is it possible that this E-5 has spent a lot of time downrange?
Deep Throat: What does that have anything to do with anything? Are you going to ask me some questions that make sense?
Me: How many candidates have you recommended for promotion this cycle?
Deep Throat: Well, counting this morning?
Me: Yeah sure.
Deep Throat: Counting this morning the total is zero.
Me: Zero? Why is that?
Deep Throat: Well we just can’t promote these folks.
Me: Why not?
Deep Throat: Well there were 36 slots and 36 people eligible. If we promoted everyone then there really would not be a purpose for a promotion board now would there?
Me: Would that be a problem?
Deep Throat: Of course it would, the regs say we have to hold a promotion board.
Me: Ah, well I guess that would be a problem.
Deep Throat: You’re damn right it would be a problem! Oh damn! Did I just offend you with my salty language? I am deeply sorry! Please forgive me!
Me: No, no it’s okay. Not a problem.
Deep Throat: Okay. That could have ended my career. That was a close one.
Me: So what other problems are you facing with peoples’ career progression?
Deep Throat: Well we keep adding requirements and they keep meeting them. The only way to tell them apart is by the names on their applications. But you can tell the E-3 applications apart really easy – the unmarried ones usually have pizza grease on them.
Me: Pizza grease?
Deep Throat: Yeah, they eat a lot of pizza. The married ones can’t afford delivery so the spouse usually cooks at home. Ramen Noodles mostly, or so I’m told.
Me: Have you ever had Ramen Noodles?
Deep Throat: Oh hell no! Oh sorry! Did I offend you again? Please forgive me.
Me: Ummmm, no we are good.
Deep Throat: Whew! Another close call.
Me: So have you figured out a way to determine who the top performers are?
Deep Throat: Oh yes, and we are very excited about it. We have decided to add a requirement that individuals gain a Nobel Peace Prize.
Me: What!?!?! Which category?
Deep Throat: Well, as you know there are five: chemistry, physics, medicine, literature, and peace. We figured those should be easy for anyone in the military.
Me: Could you please elaborate?
Deep Throat: Well with chemistry you have chemical warfare and munitions use chemicals. Ballistics and explosions use physics, medicine – combat first aid and chemical warfare antidotes, literature, my favorite, dropping leaflets and writing regs. And finally peace is obvious, blow up all the bad guys and you get peace.
Me: You do know there is one more category. Economics.
Deep Throat: Whatever. Take the bad guys money and assets.
Me: Don’t you think this might be an unreasonable requirement?
Deep Throat: No. If people want to get promoted they will figure out a way to make it happen.
Me: But might this be a big hit to morale?
Deep Throat: I don’t see how.
Me: That’s all the questions I had. Thank you for your time.
Deep Throat: Don’t mention it. Now if you will excuse me I have to go work on my cold fusion experiment.
Me: Of course.
Approximately three hours later, there was a massive explosion under the base swimming pool. Fire crews responded but local security forces cordoned off the area. Article 107 News is monitoring this developing story and updates will follow as they become available.
“See, I picked the right branch!” said 23-year old U.S. Army Master Sergeant Clarissa Downey after learning of the Air Force’s new enlisted promotion requirement.
Master Sergeant Downey went on to point out: “Everybody told me I belonged in the Air Force, and I’m glad I didn’t listen to that…I’m definitely reenlisting once my 4 years are up.”
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
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