Donald Trump’s Nuclear Button Is Way Bigger Than Yours
by Kevin Wison
This article first appeared in Article 107 News in January 2018.
Sources within the White House reported that general mayhem broke out after crackpot dictator and the only obese man in North Korea, Kim Jong Un, made his now infamous claims that North Korea could strike anywhere in the U.S. with nuclear weapons, and that he had the launch button on his desk.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a highly placed official told Article 107 News that President Trump was incensed that the Supreme Leader had such a button.
“This is ridiculous,” our source said. “His people are starving, their economy is in shambles, but he gets a fucking button? All we’ve got is this this stupid football.”
The “football”, of course, refers to the secure briefcase in which the Presidential launch codes are kept in the event that a nuclear strike becomes necessary. The football is kept close to the President at all times, but our source claims that it’s not enough.
“We’re America, dammit. If the fat man gets a big button, we should have one too.” 
Construction of a physical button began within hours of Kim Jong Un’s declaration. The button is said to be massive in scale, taking up an entire wall in the Oval Office. Our source confirms that the button is bright red, and has the word “LAUNCH” written in giant bold letters across the middle.
Though the actual launch codes are still kept in the football, President Trump was quick to take to Twitter to declare victory over the Hermit Kingdom.
“Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!”
When asked whether or not the button actually worked, our source was quick to deny that it had any real functionality.
“Jesus, are you insane?” he said as he poured his fifth glass of scotch. “Who in their right minds would actually hook up a monstrosity like that? All it does is make some red lights flash and a big siren go off. We thought about adding confetti, but that seemed like a step too far.”
Nonetheless, he was adamant that the construction of the button represented a tremendous improvement in America’s nuclear capabilities, and is a crushing blow to North Korea.
“Look, just because it doesn’t do anything doesn’t mean it doesn’t do anything, you know? It’s a symbolic victory over tyranny and oppression, and that’s the important part. Besides, everyone else has a button. That bastard Putin has one that sets off a new invasion of the Ukraine whenever he wants. Ours is much better.”
Critics of the Trump regime are less optimistic.
“This button represents an unacceptable escalation of hostilities,” says House of Representatives Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “The American people can not afford Trump’s reckless and irresponsible game of oneupmanship.”
When asked to expand on her statement, she was forced to excuse herself on the grounds that yet another Democratic Congressman was under pressure to resign for sexual misconduct.
Not content to allow Trump to have the more impressive button, Kim Jong Un announced construction on a new, improved button of his own. However, unconfirmed reports out of Pyongyang state that an accident during construction has devastated much of the city.
Damage estimates range in the tens of dollars.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
