General Slashes Nuclear Missile Launch Authority Red Tape
by Untactic Al
This article first appeared November 19, 2017.
HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA – The current head of Strategic Air Command, Gen. Jack Ripper, said Saturday at the Halifax International Security Forum in Canada that he would refuse a launch order from a President if he believed that order to be illegal. Ripper also predicted that the president would then ask him for options that Ripper judged to be legal.
The Ripper then went on to remark:
“You know we now have a virtual plethora of procedures in place that we learned from a number of previous events, all discovered in archived documentary films. One of the most critical historical documentaries we found was called “Dr. Strangelove” and it garnered a wealth of information regarding structure and how people behave in critical situations. It also demonstrated to us where the real power and responsibility to command a launch resides, and that’s with us Generals, namely me.”
Things took an odd twist when reporters questioned Gen. Ripper regarding Presidential authority to order a nuclear strike.
“Listen here you dorks! The people elect the President and, as a whole, they are stupid. Which means they make stupid choices for President. In the military we have checks and balances to make sure the right people make it to the top. It all starts at the Air Force Academy where we modify Cadets thought processes to ensure they’re in line with ours. Those who can’t adapt are quickly culled and sent to work in Services or Finance, but they are officers so we can’t just dump them. And the truth, is I don’t need some tycoon frat-boy President telling me when I can or cannot launch missiles.”
Gen. Ripper pictured above rehearsing his speech given
at the Halifax International Security Forum on November 18th.
Article 107 News inquired about the historical moment in which Gen Douglas MacArthur crossed President Harry Truman during the Korean War and was subsequently relieved of command. Ripper’s response was apoplectic.
“MacArthur?!?! What a loser! He was a weakling. Truman was in the U.S. and he was on the Korean peninsula and all he had to do was give the word. The military is bound by oath to obey the orders of the commander. He could have sliced through those Norks like a hot knife through rotten kimchee and had China in his hands in a week. I sure wouldn’t let some cocka-doodee President dictate anything to me, especially when victory is in my grasp. Now where is that damn Football?!?!”
Two days after the Forum ended, the U.S. Air Force Academy went on lockdown due to an active shooter event. Panicked Cadets cried and texted their goodbyes to friends and family while they huddled under desks and hid under beds. After a few hours of panic it was discovered that the active shooter was actually a few Cadets having a Nerf Gun fight.
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.