(Pyongyang, North Korea)
Defense analysts around the globe are shocked and saddened after the rogue military dictatorship in North Korea revealed its newest tiny and completely unimpressive missile.
“This is possibly the saddest missile that I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Corinne Shockley, a senior analyst at the Center for a New American Security. “I feel bad for them, honestly. You get the feeling that they honestly thought they would impress somebody with this, but this tiny projectile won’t be penetrating defenses any time soon.”
“Nobody is taking this launch seriously,” reported Lauren Cohen, military analyst for MSNBC.
“Sometimes during these big unveiling ceremonies for a new weapon system the regime knows that they will be facing a tough crowd. That’s when you hear them say things like “It’s not the size of the weapon but how you use it.” And maybe that line works once if you’re a Navy SEAL, but this particular missile is dead on arrival.”
“Unless you can cause massive casualties from people dying of laughter, this thing is a dud,” was the final assessment of LTC Danielle Sarno, an East Asian strategist working in the Pentagon. “I see a lot of weird stuff coming out of the Pacific Theater. And I’ll admit, some of the things that our Japanese allies put out cause me to raise an eyebrow, but when you see it in action the results speak for themselves. Not with this firecracker. I predict that whoever in the North Korean politburo approved this program just wrote themselves a one-way ticket to the gulag.”
In spite of near-universal derision in the West, the North Koreans remained defiant.
“Do not believe the lies of the capitalist pig-dogs!” an official North Korean press release warned the United Nations Security Council. “Our missile is totally proportional to our launch system, and is quite capable of rising to the occasion! Underestimate our propulsion at your own peril. You may be raughing now, but we will see who raughs last.”
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