AOC Endorses Joe Biden as the Touchy-Feely Politician America Needs Right Now
by Maxwell Paddington
April 23, 2020
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) of New York formally endorsed Joe Biden for president in a press conference this morning held outside a local Build-A-Bear Workshop. AOC has been a tenacious champion of minorities during her congressional tenure. She has vehemently opposed President Trump’s racism and fear of strong and Latino women, clashed with Speaker Nancy Pelosi over her disrespect towards women of color and is currently fighting for minorities to receive COVID-19 reparations as “COVID deaths are disproportionately spiking in Black and Brown communities” caused by underlying racial inequality.
Last week Ms. Ocasio-Cortez stopped short of fully endorsing Biden and was asked what prompted today’s formal show of support. “Americans are hurting right now, minorities are hurting right now,” said AOC clutching an adorable brown stuffed bear wearing a hat and blue scarf. “What this country needs right now is a hug, and no one is better qualified to embrace all Americans, including women of color, than Joe Biden.”
In her endorsement, AOC praised Biden, as a “tactile politician“, uniquely poised to bring a nation-wide sense of calm by “touching the face of America with both hands and rubbing noses.” She went on to say, “His aggressive, handsy approach lets all Americans know ‘You’re OK. You’re fine. You’re OK.'”
Mr. Biggles (pictured above) was hand-crafted by Ms. Ocasio-Cortez and donated to the Biden campaign. He is a “Teaching Tolerance” bear designed to facilitate the use of white privilege in a way that is beneficial to all people by suppressing counterproductive feelings of discomfort, guilt or defensiveness. Squeezing Mr. Biggles reminds the white holder: “Don’t take it personally or use discomfort as an excuse to disengage…Rather than centering your own feelings of discomfort, center the feelings of people of color in evaluating what to do with this information. If your instinct is telling you it’s more comfortable to retreat or reassure yourself that you are not racist, think instead, What actions can I take to help?“
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An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
