Bergdahl Identifies as “Trans-Innocent”
by Hugh Jashol
This article first appeared in Article 107 News in 2017.
FORT BRAGG, NC – In the wake of the controversial decision not to recommend a lengthy prison sentence for notorious deserter and winner of Planned Parenthood’s prestigious Top Candidate for Postpartum Abortion Award, Bowe Bergdahl, the veteran community has been left reeling.
Many consider the decision to be a travesty of the highest order and one that makes an utter mockery of the military justice system. The knowledge that Bergdahl, who some commenters have taken to calling a “traitorous piece of subhuman filth”, is set to walk free with nothing more than a dishonorable discharge and a paltry fine. This has shaken the trust of many servicemembers, both past and present, in the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice).
However, sources close to the trial have revealed to Article 107 News that there might be more to this story that meets the eye. One high ranking officer with inside knowledge of the trial spoke with us on the condition of anonymity, as they were not authorized to make an official statement.
“This looked like a slam dunk for the prosecution,” our source explained. “The case was open and shut, and Bergdahl didn’t even try to plea bargain his way out of it. He just straight up plead guilty. We should have been able to lock his ass away permanently, but were blindsided when he decided to come out as ‘trans-innocent.’”
The term trans-innocent refers to a person who is completely and utterly guilty of the crime they’re accused of committing, but nonetheless chooses to identify as innocent. Until recently, coming out as trans-innocent would have been a risky move. Though there is a great deal of scientific evidence to support the idea of transgenderism, its growing acceptance in society has led to several other categories of trans, including trans-ableism, trans-speciesism, and, of course, trans-innocence.
Despite a total and complete lack of evidence to support these self identities as anything more than mental illness, the recent prevalence of progressive values of “tolerance” and “acceptance” have made the questioning of their validity intolerable and unacceptable.
“When the defendant came out as trans-innocent,” our source continued, “the judge’s hands were tied. Though the UCMJ makes no provisions for trans-innocence, he couldn’t afford to risk discriminating against the trans-innocent community for fear of inciting riots among the EO (Equal Opportunity) community. Hell, just sticking the defendant with a dishonorable and a fine has been an EO nightmare. He’s already had dozens of complaints filed against him, and more keep piling in every day. It’s madness, I tell you.”
Madness, perhaps, but the court’s decision is not without precedent. Notorious traitor and transgendered woman, Chelsea Manning, was able to secure an early release for her heinous actions by coming out as trans-innocent. She hailed Bergdahl’s move as a triumph for the trans-innocent community on Twitter today. We would post the actual tweet, but unfortunately, the overabundance of emojis sent three Article 107 staffers to the hospital with self-inflicted wounds to their eyes.
When asked if Bergdahl’s escape from justice was the start of a growing trend, our source had this to say:
“Look, I don’t like this any more than you do. Good men and women are thrown under the bus all the time because they screwed up on a far less epic scale than Bergdahl. His release is nothing short of a massive kick in the dick to the entire notion of criminal justice in the military. But there’s nothing we can do but grin and bear it. Maybe the next time some feckless piece of trash wanders off his post and gets captured by the Taliban, we’ll get lucky and they’ll come out as trans-dead.”
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
