Commander WAY Too Excited to Play Nothing but AC/DC at Brigade Run Tomorrow
by Hugh Jashol
May 23, 2020
FORT BRAGG, NC — According to multiple sources within the ranks of the storied and battle-hardened 82nd Airborne Division, the commander of the 82nd’s infamous 8th Infantry Brigade is just WAY to excited to play nothing but AC/DC at the brigade run tomorrow… again.
In order to maintain morale and to give the Soldiers a beat to run to, the Division and many Brigades arrange for music to be played over the installation’s public address system during large-unit runs. While many older troops are grateful to not have to listen to “C-130 rollin’ down the strip” cadence calls for miles on end, not all members of the unit, particularly the younger ones, are quite so appreciative.
If Congress was a soldier, this would be him.
“Most brigade-and-above runs feature only about a half-dozen songs on repeat: “Thunderstruck”, “TNT”, “Hell’s Bells”, “You Shook Me All Night Long”, “Highway to Hell”, and “Back in Black”, usually in that order,” complained Specialist Donny Burke, a rifleman in 8th Brigade. “It’s like they took the soundtrack for every drone strike video ever made, and strung it together on repeat, for FIVE FREAKING MILES. And that doesn’t count the two hours we’re standing in formation before the run, and the 30 minutes that the brigade command sergeant major takes up ‘caveating what the commander said.'”
“Plus, we’re the ‘All Americans’ of the 82nd Airborne, and all we listen to is AC/DC,” Burke added. “No one gets the irony that they’re not even an American band?”
Despite the complaints, the “nothing but AC/DC for five straight miles” policy has its supporters.
“It’s categorically untrue that ‘all we play on Brigade Runs is AC/DC,'” countered Command Sergeant Major Demetrius Smith, the Senior Enlisted Advisor for the 8th Infantry Brigade. “For example, our commander likes to mix in a little Justin Beiber to show he’s in touch with the average Joe. This just proves that Soldiers will complain about anything.”
“You know how many fallouts we had in the last brigade run?” Smith continued, “Zero. That’s right, in the entire brigade, not a single Soldier fell out. To the contrary, all of us just want to run faster and not fall out, so the torture will be over sooner. The Old Man is a genius!”
We tried to contact the commander of the 82nd’s 8th Infantry Brigade for comment on this story, but his Staff Duty NCO said the commander was too busy perusing Taylor Swift songs for the next Infantry Ball.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
Yes, we know there’s not an “8th Infantry Brigade” inside the 82nd Airborne Division. We also know that we don’t want the brigade commanders of real Army units calling our brigade commander to complain about the satire pieces we write about them, so…
An Article 107 News Publication
The best place to get the facts before they happen!