F-35D Variant Eyed as Replacement for A-10 Warthog
by Untactic Al
September 18, 2019
NATIONAL HARBOR, MD – Air Force Association Annual Convention – In a rare moment of lucidity, Gen Herbie Carlin announced the long-awaited news of a Warthog (A-10 Thunderbolt II) replacement to the assembled delegates.
His 256-minute speech, which oddly included items from a Chinese takeout menu, noted a number of key points.
“This whole business of getting rid of “that” airplane has cost us too much already. I, especially, paid in way of a good caddy and Exec. You all have no clue as to how hard it is to find a good caddy. Execs are a dime-a-dozen since everyone wants to make General, but without a good caddy you’ll never make par on the Langley courses.”
After a long discussion on the pros and cons of different species of grass for putting greens he moved back to the A-10 replacement.
“We know that the ground sometimes needs to be attacked. And the A-10 was good at attacking ground stuff, but boy is it ugly! You know, we can’t have ugly things in the Air Force. I mean, why do you think we’ve been pushing PT and appearance so hard? ‘Look Good, Fight Good’ is going to be our new motto. Fat guys who don’t fly fighters don’t get chicks! Am I right?”
The crowd let out a low murmur of appreciation. We are still unsure whether the applause was due to the General’s statement or his new Caddy tapping his watch, indicating time was short.
“So anyway, as a concession to the whiners down in the mud we are going to fast-track a “D” model variant of the F-35. It will not look anything like the A/B/C models. It will have a low wing with little sweep and with multiple pylons for external stores. The tail will still use dual vertical stabilizers but they will be mounted outboard on an integral horizontal stabilizer with elevators at the trailing edge. Instead of a single supersonic engine it will use dual subsonic engines mounted externally on the fuselage. And another exciting thing is that we are upping the size of the gun to 30 mm and placing it in the nose!”
The delegates then broke out in thunderous applause while chanting, “Death to Republic Aircraft! Death to Republic Aircraft!” Herbie was lifted triumphantly to the mobs shoulders and was heard to be muttering, “This plane WILL be able to do the job of the A-10…..”
Formation of A-10 “warthogs” escorting Gen. Carlin to
Joint Base Langley-Eustis, VA golf course.
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
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