Top Ten Ways the Military Can Support Elizabeth Warren’s Directive to Go Green

Top Ten Ways the Military Can Support Elizabeth Warren’s Directive to Go Green
by Hugh Jashol

May 21, 2020

On May 15th 2019, a year before before she became a failed Presidential candidate, Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren introduced a bold–if utterly unrealistic–policy to reduce the Department of Defense’s (DoD) dependence on fossil fuels. Based on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s “Green New Deal,” Warren’s proposal included the laughably-ridiculous directive  that of the Pentagon should achieve net zero carbon emissions for all its non-combat bases and infrastructure by 2030.

The Pentagon should be net-zero by 2030? LOL, OK, Boomer.

While the plan was big on “ideas,” it was short on “practical implementation”. Although it took over a year, the U.S. military came up with the following list of what it would take to implement Senator Warren’s “stunning and brave” go-Green Pentagon policies. They seem legit to us!

1) Replace all power generation equipment.

1. Main building power can come from banks of bicycles and elliptical machines powered by muscles. This has the added benefit of reducing the fat people in the military.
2. Each workstation will have a pedal crank generator for power.
3. Clothes washing systems will now be hand cranked tubs.

2) Begin fielding livestock for movement of personnel and equipment.

1. Teams of draft horse and oxen will be used to move tanks and other vehicles around the battlefield.
2. Calvary will now use horses, again.
   

Civilization got you down? Implement the “New Green Deal”, starting with the DoD!

3) Replace lead and copper projectiles with sustainable products.

1. Rifle and pistol bullets will be made of compressed dirt.
2. Machine gun bullets will be made of compressed dirt with shellac coatings.

4)  Replace artillery shells, mortar shells, and grenades with glass.

1. Removing the metal will save substantial costs and the glass is both biodegradable in normal environments but is toxically neutral.
2. Explosives inside will be replace with compressed air. The bursting radius will be affected but we will just have to be more accurate.

5)  Replace petroleum based grease and oil with lest toxic lubricants.

1. Goose grease and pig lard will easily replace petroleum currently used for lubrication and it is a bio product that will not pollute the environment.
2. Whale oil will be used to provide lamps for night operations.

6)  Replace field ration packaging with waxed paper.

1. Field rations are currently packaged in heavy plastic that is both costly to manufacture and requires sustained trash keeping efforts to police up. In addition, it does not simply vanish with time and must be buried. Burning is contraindicated as the plastic is toxic.

7)  Replace disposable battery systems with sustainable energy systems.

1. All flashlight and other small battery powered items will be powered by shake-weight type charging systems.
2. For those systems not conducive to a shaking structure, external shake-weight charges will be provided.
3. The shake-weight charging system will benefit the upper body strength and is a motion most Marines are amply familiar with this technique already.

8)  Food Production

1. Most military bases have lots of available land, the military will now begin to produce their own food thus limiting the need for additional supplies to be transported.
2. No more Rip-It during deployment.

9)  Railway systems

1. The military will create portable railway systems for operations. This will allow all military traffic to utilize the ease and convenience of a rail transportation network saving fuel, time, and the need for multiple vehicles for transportation of equipment and supplies.
2. Locomotion on the rail system will be man powered.

10)  Water Consumption

1. Military personnel will be restricted to bathing once a week and dry shaving, thus saving water for drinking and ensuring the Post Commander’s car is clean.
2. Forces hydration is eliminated; replaced with “if he dies, he dies” guidance for Basic Training and ROTC Advanced Camp.

---

Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.

This article is a revision of a Facebook post; the original author wishes to remain anonymous.