Media Outlets Panic as Lack of News May Force Thousands of Important, Well-educated People to Find Regular Low-Paying Jobs
by Untactic Al
December 30, 2019
NEW YORK, NY – Nothing happened today and Media outlets across the country are scrambling to prevent any further such “non-occurrences” as they may have devastating consequences. Article 107 News’ own Untactic Al interviewed Dr. Robert Oglesby via, a professor of Communications and Journalism at NYU and Article 107 News consultant to discuss the issue and explore its implications. Below is the transcript of the telephonic interview:
Untactic Al: Hi Bob, how’s it hanging?
Professor Oglesby: Hey Al, low and to the left.
Untactic Al: So what do you make of all this?
Professor Oglesby: You mean that nothing happened at all today?
Untactic Al: Yeah
Professor Oglesby: Well I can tell you that the academic world is stunned as are all the media outlets.
Untactic Al: So what’s the general take on it?
Professor Oglesby: I can tell you that our University is funding a multi-million dollar research grant to see what happened.
Untactic Al: Research? Why?
Professor Oglesby: Al, if we don’t find out what caused this then it might happen again, so we need to find the cause and put preventive measures in place.
Untactic Al: I’m sorry Bob, I just don’t see the big deal.
Professor Oglesby: Well that’s because you are uneducated Al.
Untactic Al: I have an AS, BS and MS, Bob. Remember?
Professor Oglesby: Yes I remember you telling me that you took some college, but you don’t have a Doctorate’s.
Untactic Al: Oh, I’m sorry.
Professor Oglesby: That’s okay Al, you have reached your full potential so you should be proud of yourself.
Untactic Al: Well I know my mom is.
Professor Oglesby: And so she should be.
Untactic Al: Anyway, back to what’s the big deal?
Professor Oglesby: Let me try to explain it to you in layman’s terms Al.
Untactic Al: Golly gee thanks!
Professor Oglesby: No problem. I’m used to dumbing things down for undergrads. The huge problem is that if nothing happens then my whole department becomes redundant as do all the media. It could be the ruin of CNN, MSNBC, Fox, and Huffington Post just to name a few.
Untactic Al: And the newspapers?
Professor Oglesby: Haha Al! Oh you’re serious? Al, the newspapers have been dead for nearly two decades. All they do is print Sunday comics for old people who don’t know how to find them online.
Untactic Al: Sorry, I guess I like something I can hold in my hands while I drink my morning coffee.
Professor Oglesby: Oh Al, you are such a Boomer. But to continue, if nothing happens too often, then lots of media employed people will lose their jobs, and an even greater number of on-air “experts” will lose their livelihood as well. I mean, how will Generals make the transition to political life or positions on the boards of big defense contractors?
Untactic Al: Wow. I never thought of that.
Professor Oglesby: Yeah that’s the advantage people like me get from an advanced degree. You see if this happens enough then the whole American way of life is at stake.
Untactic Al: Wouldn’t it be a global crisis Bob?
Professor Oglesby: No, that’s simplistic thinking. It is true that the highly advanced industrialized would suffer but essentially nothing would happen in third world nations. Nothing of any interest already happens every day in their countries. It’s a little like Idaho.
Untactic Al: Flyover countries then?
Professor Oglesby: Yeah, pretty much. I can tell you that some CNN and MSNBC executives have already permanently signed off.
Untactic Al: You mean suicide.
Professor Oglesby: Yes. One threw himself into a running Nielsen Ratings machine. It was a long agonizing death that then went into reruns.
Untactic Al: Ugh! Nobody likes reruns.
Professor Oglesby: Nope. So with all the concern it has really energized the Universities and Media to do something proactive.
Untactic Al: Such as?
Professor Oglesby: For one, a mega-conglomerate is being funded and created to induce news on slow days.
Untactic Al: Sorry? Are you saying they are going to create real news when there isn’t any?
Professor Oglesby: Well it’s more complex than that but you are essentially correct.
Untactic Al: How are they going to make news?
Professor Oglesby: It’s pretty simple really. A collapsed bridge here, a crashed airplane there, an Ebola outbreak in selected major population centers. The possibilities are endless and relatively cheap.
Untactic Al: Cheap?! What about the cost in human life? What about ethics and morality?
Professor Oglesby: Al, were you not listening? If we don’t do this then thousands of important, well-educated people may have to find regular low-paying jobs! There is too much at stake here. We cannot allow another day for nothing to have happened. It’s a crisis of unprecedented proportions!
In related news, Untactic Al requested a leave of absence from Article 107 News immediately following the interview after reportedly vomiting into his phone, shooting his TV with a Barretta and un-friending Professor Oglesby from his MySpace page and deleting him from his AOL e-mail list.
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.