Surgeon General Issues New Warning: Quitting U.S. News Media Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health
by Maxwell Paddington
June 25, 2020
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Surgeon General Vice Admiral (VADM) Jerome M. Adams announced U.S. news media outlets must prominently display one of the following Surgeon General warnings during any form of broadcast on television or social media. Likewise, journalists must preface any question posed to an interviewee with one of the following disclaimers:
*U.S. News Media Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, and May Complicate Pregnancy.
*Quitting U.S. News Media Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
*Exposure to U.S. News Media by Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, and Low Birth Weight.
*U.S. News Media Contains Carbon Monoxide.
*WARNING: This product may cause mouth cancer.
*WARNING: This product may cause gum disease and tooth loss.
*WARNING: This product is not a safe alternative to civil discourse, healthy debate or sustaining a nation.
According to the Surgeon General, consumption of U.S. news media is more dangerous than smoking and consuming alcohol while blindfolded and driving a leaky fuel truck.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
