Surgeon General Issues New Warning: Quitting U.S. News Media Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health
by Maxwell Paddington
June 25, 2020
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Surgeon General Vice Admiral (VADM) Jerome M. Adams announced U.S. news media outlets must prominently display one of the following Surgeon General warnings during any form of broadcast on television or social media. Likewise, journalists must preface any question posed to an interviewee with one of the following disclaimers:
*U.S. News Media Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, and May Complicate Pregnancy.
*Quitting U.S. News Media Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
*Exposure to U.S. News Media by Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, and Low Birth Weight.
*U.S. News Media Contains Carbon Monoxide.
*WARNING: This product may cause mouth cancer.
*WARNING: This product may cause gum disease and tooth loss.
*WARNING: This product is not a safe alternative to civil discourse, healthy debate or sustaining a nation.
According to the Surgeon General, consumption of U.S. news media is more dangerous than smoking and consuming alcohol while blindfolded and driving a leaky fuel truck.
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