Thunderbird Pilot “Super Bummed, Bro” About Losing Super Bowl Flyover To Navy
by Chris “Crash Test” Testostski
This article first appeared in Article 107 News February 6, 2019.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Self-proclaimed world’s greatest Denver Broncos fan, Captain Ryan “Smoker” Bodenheimer, is reportedly extremely bummed that the US Air Force Thunderbirds are not performing Super Bowl 50’s military flyover. The US Navy’s Flight Demonstration Team, more commonly known as the Blue Angels, will instead be showcasing America’s greatness and surplus cash this Sunday over Levi’s Stadium.
Bodenheimer flies as Left Wing Pilot and is currently in his first season with the Thunderbirds. When he’s not gallivanting around the world wasting taxpayer dollars, he calls Colorado home. Bodenheimer grew up in Colorado Springs, Colorado and later attend the University of Boulder.
“Flying for the Thunderbirds has always been my dream, but so has cheering on my beloved Broncos. Hence you can understand why I’m so crushed. Dude, I tell you what – first I didn’t get F-22s in pilot training (editor’s note: this is reportedly because Bodenheimer’s Flight Commander was jealous that Smoker was the better pilot) and now, I have to watch a bunch of Squids fly this year’s Super Bowl flyover. My life sucks.”
A Super Bowl official who requested to remain anonymous, noting that he was not permitted to speak on the record, stated “The reason we selected the Blue Angels was simple, really. The Thunderbirds are such prima donnas. We need men we can count on to get the mission done, not a bunch of people complaining about crew rest, air conditioning, flight pay… you name it. Pretty-boys.”
Adding to Bodenheimer’s soul-crushing disappointment is knowing that Carolina is going to obliterate Denver on Sunday. “That Panther defense is just too much. Carolina is going to own Denver worse than Navy owns Army-West Point.” said Bondeheimer.
In a rare public relations blunder, NFL Commissionaire Roger Goodell was overheard saying that “the Thunderbird’s whine more than the NFL Players Association; what a bunch of [garbled speech].”
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
You should also cheer for Carolina in the Superbowl. I mean, we all already know they’re going to win anyway.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.