Trump Implements Highly-Restrictive Wartime “General Order #1” for Stateside Troops
by Hugh Jashol
After declaring war on both COVID-19 and the Mexican drug cartels, President Trump has directed the worldwide implementation of the wartime General Order #1 (GO1).
For anyone who didn’t serve in Afghanistan, Iraq, and/or Syria in the last… 19 years or so, GO1 is a highly restrictive and much-resented military order that bans, among other things, sex, porn, personal firearms possession, and alcohol consumption. The order was commonplace in overseas combat areas, but this is the first time that the order has been implemented for troops serving within the United States.
The order complements the directives issued by several state governors to close down liquor stores in their states… although none of them went so far as to shut down sex, or even porn.
The order has not gone down well with the rank-and file troops. “We’re all on “shelter-in-place” orders. We can’t go anywhere. We can’t do anything,” said Army Specialist “Tony X.,” a self-described member of a secretive organization known as The E4 Mafia. “What am I supposed to do but drink myself into a stupor and binge-watch porn? PornHub is giving away its premium service for free, and now we can’t even take advantage of it. This is inhumane.”
But the military brass was having none of it.
“You heard the President,” said General Marcus Mildly, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We are now a nation at war… against terrorism, ISIS, Al Qaeda, COVID-19, drugs… I lose track. But yeah. We’re fighting everyone. Everywhere. All the time. So it’s only appropriate that we adopt wartime orders. So suck it up, buttercups. You can get laid again in June. Maybe.”
At publication time, there was not yet an established end date for the restrictions implemented by the new Stateside GO1.
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…and send this to your friends in the military, and watch their heads explode.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
