Washington Burns as Senate Infighting Continues
by Hugh Jashol
November 27, 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Chaos reigns in Washington, D.C. as Republicans and Democrats failed yet again to reach a compromise that would restore funding to the federal government.
Earlier today, violence erupted on The Mall as The United Undersecretary Liberation Front faced off against the Lobbyist King and his troops over the last known case of IPA in the beleaguered city.
Witnesses to the battle say that although the UULF put up a good fight, they were routed once the NRA swore their fealty to the Lobbyist King, and took to the field in his name.
Though their armor made from cast off remnants of rejected legislation protected them well from the sharpened pens and company credit cards of the Lobbyists, they were no match for the NRA’s ghost guns, which experts say have the ability, with a .30-caliber clip, to disperse with 30 bullets within half a second. Or maybe it was a thirty magazine clip in half a second. Who knows anymore?
This reporter does not.
Meanwhile, on the Hill, Senate Minority Leader and Warlord of the Capitol Cafeteria once again rode out to meet Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in single combat, after the Republican leader claimed the gym and locker rooms as his personal fiefdom. His seizure of the gym followed reports that there was a towel shortage in the Senate gymnasium, an outrage that could not be ignored.
The results of the battle were inconclusive, but Congressional insiders claim that they plan to square off again in the press room on the morrow. To the winner goes the last of the K-cups scrounged up by aides on both sides of the aisle.
Elsewhere in the city, from the depths of the Potomac, Pluto, Lord of the Underworld, has arisen to lay claim to Washington. Granted safe passage by Neptune, his army of undead warriors have lain siege on the Pentagon, but were stymied by Secretary of War James Mattis, whose unrelenting knife hand returned scores of them to the Hell from whence they came.
Outside of the capital, life continued much as it had before. Though there were reports of roving gangs of interns searching northern Virginia for a functioning Starbucks, life continued as usual for the rest of the country, leading many people to ask the same question:
With no real answers, all we can do is wait, and watch, to see if the crisis will end.
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An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
