Urinals on the Wane
by Untactic Al
Press Release – Defense Contracting Agency
October 31, 2019
$969M in construction contracts were issued yesterday for the removal of urinals from all DoD facilities to be replaced by standard toilets. This initiative parallels a similar but larger series of contracts awarded for all government properties, both domestic and overseas.
Impetus for these unprecedented contacts was provided by the Human Resources section of the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) because of complaints from over 20 government employees in San Francisco and Ottumwa Iowa regarding urinals in male restrooms and latrines. Social gender activists accused urinals of being “andro-centric” and a symbol of male assumed pseudosuperiority and andro-oppression.
One complainant stated that urinals allowed males an unfair advantage since they didn’t have to wait in long lines to relieve themselves thereby placing non-urinal capable people in a subservient position. Males could get back quicker to important meetings to call the shots while non-penis equipped personnel were trapped in a virtual restroom traffic jam.
Another noted that urinal users action of standing creates a power position over others who must sit, which is a method of male power projection and assertion. Everyone should be equal and urinals are a misogynistic symbol of male oppression.
Air Force Finance personnel also identified aircraft urinals and pilot relief tubes as also giving male air crews unfair advantages over non-phallused personnel and stated that men should have to get in line with everyone else.
OPM determined that the injustice of urinals required immediate correction and conversion work will be complete within 12 months of award. Removed urinals will be shipped to Washington D.C. for a “No Dicks Allowed” rally where formerly oppressed humans may participate in a rock throwing destruction ceremony followed by a symbolic urinal bonfire designed to purge participants of the evil created by these white ceramic monsters.
Pictured left: The first shipment of urinals on its way to Washington D.C.
States are expected to follow suit in coming months with legislation banning urinals from all public restrooms and possibly even private sale to individuals.
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
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An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
