by Hugh Jashol and Noah Ward
It’s confirmed: Tennessee’s official state firearm is the Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle.
Not to be outdone by its two-bit, landlocked, carpetbagging, worthless-college-football-team-having neighbor to the north, the Great State of Alabama has once again one-upped Tennessee by unanimously approving the FIM-92 Improved Stinger Missile as its official state firearm.
Fresh off of his rather surprising endorsement of Donald Trump’s presidential bid, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions broke the great news about the Stinger to a fired up crowd gathered at the Space and Rocket Center in downtown Huntsville.
Senator Sessions first addressed the controversy surrounding Tennessee’s selection of the M82 .50 caliber Barrett anti-material sniper rifle as its official state firearm. “I’ve heard some pantywaists out there complain that Tennessee’s state weapon could shoot down a commercial airliner. That’s complete bunk,” the senator stated. “Do you know how lucky you have to be to hit a commercial airliner with a rifle? It’s hard. Believe me, I’ve tried. Besides, everyone knows that Tennesseeans can’t hit the broad side of a barn, either with a firearm, or with a football, am I right? Roll Tide!”
“But this thing,” he said, brandishing a Stinger missile launder aloft in a move eerily reminiscent of a Saddam Hussein pep rally, “With this thing, there is absolutely no question whatsoever. This is based on technology pioneered in the late 1960s by that late, great Alabamian (and former Nazi SS member) Dr. Wernher Von Braun and is made right here in good ol’ Rocket City, USA. Not only “could you” shoot down a commercial airliner with this, it’s all but guaranteed!” Senator Sessions then proceeded to demonstrate by downing a Channel 4 News helicopter hovering overhead, killing two.
After the crowd got done roaring its approval, Senator Sessions did his best to reassure the restive audience, many of whom have been panic-buying firearms and ammunition ever since President Obama’s first term in 2008. “Under President Trump, every Alabamian will continue to enjoy the right to shoot whatever the hell he wants at whomever the hell he aims at,” Sessions told the crowd to rapturous applause. “We Southern folk are famous for our politeness, and nothing puts a guest on their best behavior like knowing that someone could turn you into a fine red mist at a moment’s notice.”
Nearby, aviators at the US Army Aviation Center of Excellence in Fort Rucker were less than enthused.
“We’ve seen a bit of natural selection taking place,” said Major General Michael Lundy, commander of Fort Rucker. “Most of our Chinook fleet went down in the first 48 hours. The Apaches were next, because nothing short of actual death will keep an Apache pilot from showing his ass all over the place. But man, this latest pool of Blackhawk pilots is the best I’ve ever seen.” Lundy paused to clarify “Those that survived, I mean.”
As of this writing, the Mississippi state legislature was considering a bill to make the M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank the official state firearm. Too bad their football teams are still garbage.
Article 107 News is a satire site, and you shouldn’t think anything we post is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. If you want real news, go to our sister site, The Havok Journal.
“But that’s not even a real Stinger missile!” Well, that’s OK, because we’re not even a real news site. Lighten up, Francis. We’re totally serious about one thing though: “Roll Tide!!”