COVID Zombification of America: From Huddled Masses to Waddling Asses
by Untactic Al
May 2, 2020
ANYTOWN, USA — Day 48 of quarantine. The local Wal-Mart has hundreds of dead people in their cars in the parking lot. They starved to death because all the electric carts were broken from lack of parts because the logistics chain shifted to critical food supplies, and paper to wipe your butt with. Yeah, Americans panicked over Charmin. Never mind the fact that 60% of the world doesn’t even use the stuff, and prior to 1850 it did not even exist. How did the world population survive for millennia without toilet paper? I would love to see the look on Mrs. America’s face when I handed her the pack out of an MRE. They have become like silk stockings in WW II.
Unfortunately for me, my house is just inside scooter range of the fast-food joints and buffets where the local overfed and coddled masses normally engorged themselves on mass quantities of deep-fried fat on a stick. But alas they are closed, and now some low blood sugar crazed denizen has rammed his scooter against my front door and is shouting something about killing me unless I hand over the Twinkies. I drop carrots, celery and a box of instant oatmeal to him from my second story window. The healthy food has the desired effect and he takes off at top speed shouting that he is bringing his gang back to teach me and my family a lesson.
I place the crosshairs on the heavily laden right rear tire of his scooter and squeeze off a 5.56 round. Ball ammo is fine for this application and his tire explodes into gray mist, causing him to careen out of control, rolling the scooter four or five times before coming to rest in the grill of a 1988 Olds Cutlass. Out of nowhere waddle the scavengers, quickly stripping any useable parts from the now disabled scooter. I swear I heard the now defunct scooter breathe a sigh of relief with its dying breath. The rider, although unable to move, was spitting a venomous diatribe at his former accomplices, all the while they were stripping him of his fast-food coupons.
All through the night I heard his wails, crying for a KFC 29-piece bucket and a small Diet Coke. Sometime around 0430 the Soylent Green truck came by and all was silent.
The cool thing about this time is that you get to find out who the weak and the strong are, and you get to see the things that are really important in life.
Just before the Solyent Green truck came by…
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Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
