Army Study: “Not Even COVID-19 Likes Fort Bragg”
by Hugh Jashol
May 13, 2020
FORT BRAGG, NC — Fort Bragg, North Carolina has the lowest incidence of COVID-19 in any comparable-sized area in the entire world, stunning health officials around the globe. Known as a veritable cesspit where morals and military careers go to die, Fort Bragg was the last place anyone expected to hear health-related good news.
But for residents of the Army’s storied “Home of the Airborne,” the reason is simple:
“Nobody likes Fort Bragg,” said post Command Sergeant Major Donald Eickman. “Not the Soldiers, not the prostitutes, not the used car dealers, not the human traffickers, not the rip-off kids, not the crack dealers, not the locals who live nearby, not the local homeless… nobody. So it’s no surprise that not even COVID-19 wants to come here.”
“The streets of nearby Fayetteville are more deadly to Fort Bragg troops than COVID-19 ever will be,” explained Army Chief Surgeon Danny Sturgeon. “In fact, more Soldiers die in Hay Street’s brothels than in Womack,” he added, referring to Fayetteville, NC’s notorious red-light district and Fort Bragg’s Army Medical Center, respectively. “My advice is to just avoid the entire state. It’s the only way to be sure.”
“No one and no thing comes here if they have literally any other options,” confirmed Fayetteville Mayor Ronnie Useless. “But hey, at least now we’re known for something good for a change!”
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Yes, we know some of you love Fort Bragg. But… why, though?
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
