COVID Casualty: Hooters Switches to Delivery-Only; Changes Name to “Knockers”
by Hugh Jashol
Over the past month, the COVID-19 Chinese coronavirus has taken a terrible toll on American businesses. In-person industries, including hospitality and food services, have taken a beating economically as most of America nurses a “shelter in place” mindset. Particularly hard-hit was the “breastaurant” niche, whose business model depends on in-person interaction. Or at least in-person oogling.
The lack of young, male patrons with wads of money to spend in the company of young, scantily-clad women has forced some breastaraunts completely out of business. Others have had to undergo a reduction, or change their customer service.
In order to adapt to the realities of a post-quarantine world, industry leader Hooters has changed from in-store dining to delivery-only, in order to reach its horny… er, hungry… patrons. In keeping with the spirit of their new door-delivery model, they will keep their saucy servers but will change their name to “Knockers.”
We wish them the breast of luck.
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An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
