PC Tools are All the Rage
by Untactic Al
Due to the outrage over antiquated names of things which are causing, or may cause even one sensitive person to be triggered due to microaggressions, the following are to renamed:
Dikes – now called diagonal side cutting pliers. Some lesbians found the term offensive. What I don’t get is that they weren’t called Bull Dykes or anything like that.
Hermaphrodite Calipers – obviously a human genital reference. They will now be called “Calipers with Pointy Leg and a Curvy Leg.”
Plumbing Nipples – Although males have nipples that doesn’t seem to bother anyone unless they are large and erect like some female nipples. When they are like that most people vomit. But everyone assumes that it’s referring to the female body part and that’s a misogynistic microaggression. So they will now be called “Plumbing Parts That Look Like Pencil Erasers.”
Male and Female Plumbing Fittings – this one just drips of forced non-consensual sex. It’s all men think about and obviously, some juvenile man came up with the name when he inserted the protruding end into a recessed end. Sexist pig! They will now be called “XX and XY Plumbing Fittings.”
Screwdriver – again named by a male with sex on his mind. It will now be called an “Inclined Circular Plane on a Wedge Fastening Device Driver.”
Hammer – yep male dominating a female. Now it is a “Linear Kinetic Force Impact Delivery Device.”
Bayonet Fitting – all sorts of violence and male warmongering here. Now it will just be called a “Thingy”. But we really don’t care for that nomenclature very much since it’s also common slang for a penis.
Soldering Gun – a term steeped in male violence since everyone knows that women don’t use guns. They use knives because they want that slut to bleed. It’s now a “Tin Alloy Melting Device.”
Drill – another sex term. It will be referred to as a “Spiral Rotary Cutting Edge Material Removal Bit.”
Wrench – obviously a typo from “Wench” which is a derogatory sexist term. The new term is “Hexagonal Threaded Fastening Device Torque Application Tool.”
Nail – nope. “Soft Steel Lumber Joining Pin.”
Tool – nope. Slang for a penis. “Mechanical Advantage Device.”
Toolbox – oh hell no. “Mechanical Advantage Device Storage Container.”
Hoe – no way. “Long Handled Bladed Weed Remover.”
Jackhammer – give me a heart attack. Max triggered. “Repeating Impact Delivery Device.” Okay, that one still sounds sexual.
Anyway, this is just the shortlist. I’m sure you will see more soon.
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Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
