In a major upset and contrary to the predictions of prominent analysts, this morning the Army Times announced that it was awarding Killeen, TX with the title of “Best Place to Marry a Stripper”. While always a major contender, no one expected the scrappy, rundown metropolis that hangs like a cancerous tumor from Fort Hood to snatch the title from Fayetteville, NC,the reigning champion.
“Words cannot express how honored we are to receive this distinction from the editorial board at the Army Times,” said Killeen county executive Wayne Schmidt. “We at the city council have always believed that Killeen was the best place in the world to get a payday loan, or some spinning rims, or a really sick tribal tattoo, but now we can proudly say that our patriotic adult entertainers are willing to really salute the flagpole when it comes to our soldiers.”
The various exotic dancers of Killeen were eager to prove that they have what it takes to make the leap from expensive distraction to fully-fledged military dependent.
“It wasn’t easy,” remarked Jasmine, who as a stripper works the dinner shift Monday through Thursday at Hot Bunz but now spends her day as Mrs. Corporal Thompson. “A lot of us girls put in the extra hours, getting together to discuss how to analyze a prospective husband’s leave and earnings statement, or how to identify the rank on a military ID card under a strobe light, and who to talk to at the legal assistance office to get a power of attorney as soon as our husbands are deployed.”
“A lot of it comes down to timing,” says Cassandra, a veteran stripper now on her second marriage to a lieutenant. “You save up all your good moves for the 1st and 15th of the month, and check Facebook to see when a unit is coming back from Iraq or Afghanistan, or sometimes Korea, but that’s more of a long shot because those Korean girls are real pros.” Cassandra was as proud of her $5500 engagement ring as she was to be the new Charlie Company FRG leader.
“You gotta respect the basic principles of economics,” explained Sapphire, who after taking several courses at Central Texas College has worked her way up from marrying a naive specialist in 2008 to the empty husk of a war-weary sergeant first class by 2015. “These jugs are a depreciating asset in a market plagued by moral hazard, so you have to trade aggressively to capitalize on uncertainty.”
While Killeen celebrated, other military communities assessed their standing and began preparation for next year. Rival city Fayetteville, the economically-depressed shantytown clinging to Fort Bragg, was already planning to retake the crown.
“You better believe we ain’t gonna take this lying down,” declared Fayetteville mayor Filbert Rotentrap. “We have worked long and hard to become the national embarrassment that we are today, and starting tomorrow we will work every day to show our patriotic heroes that we will stoop to any depths to take their money while thanking them for their service.”
Article 107 News is a satire site, and you should not think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock everyone who does.
Don’t worry Killeen, we love you so much that we just bought a used F-150 there at a 15% interest rate.