Army Unveils New, Controversial Footwear Line
by Hugh Jashol
May 24, 2020
FORT LEE, VA — Bowing to social justice pressure, the Army has spent $1.2 billion dollars revamping its uniform line to be more “gender-neutral.”
“Women in the Army are already allowed to wear high-heeled shoes with their class A uniform,” said Brig. Gen. Douglas M. McBride Jr, the U.S. Army’s Quartermaster General. “And to make sure no one feels left out, we’re directing that entire units immediately start issuing these boots and requiring their wear.”
Deputy assistant to the assistant acting Secretary of the Army for Unnecessary Uniform Changes made it clear that it wasn’t just done for ‘style points’. “In addition to being more fashionable, the raised-heel design lightens the foot, thus reducing the probability of setting off an IED pressure-plate, he explained. “Furthermore, it’s impossible to run or even move quickly in these things, ensuring the wearer spends more time searching the ground in front of them.”
“This displays our soldiers’ full-spectrum woke dominance through ‘sass, class and kicking ass,'” said Brig. Gen. McBride, while wearing a prototype gender-neutral Army muumuu.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
No, these aren’t issue boots… and no Army soldier, male or female, is going to want to wear something like this in uniform.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
