Biden “Gaffes” Decoded by NSA, Determined to be Family Recipe for Delicious Word Salad
by Maxwell Paddington
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Wednesday, former VP Joe Biden announced his plan to “combat systemic racism and economic inequity.” By analyzing previous speeches and cross-referencing them with his latest, NSA cryptanalysts uncovered a sophisticated encoded message determined to be an old Biden family recipe for word salad. Below are the collated de-coded ingredients:
- Says Lawyers Are Seeing ‘Voter Registration Physicians’ [1 1/2 pounds Boston, Bibb, green or red leaf lettuce, or a mixture, washed, trimmed, and dried]
- Misuses ‘Woke’ [Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper]
- Claims He Is ‘Constantly Tested’ For Cognitive Decline [1 cup dressing of your choice, such as shallot or herb vinaigrette, ranch, or blue cheese]
- Forgets The Name Of The Defense Production Act [4 ounces imported Swiss cheese, cut into 2-inch long matchstick pieces]
- Keeps Forgetting Which State He’s In [4 ounces baked ham, cut into 2-inch long matchstick pieces]
- Confuses Wife And Sister On Stage [4 ounces smoked turkey, chicken or duck breast, cut into 2-inch long matchstick pieces]
- Forgets The Declaration Of Independence [4 ounces rare roast beef, cut into 1/4-inch by 2 inch matchstick pieces]
- Gets Excited For ‘Super Thursday’ [2 hard-cooked eggs, shelled, cut into wedges]
- Says He’s Running For The Senate [1 ripe Hass avocado, diced]
- Says Bolivia Is Bordering Venezuela. It’s Not. [16 vine-ripened cherry or grape tomatoes, halved]
- Forgets About Kamala Harris On Stage [2 kirby (pickling) cucumbers, sliced]
- Mixes Up Iowa For Ohio [1 cup toasted croutons]
- Claims to Have Gone to an HBCU. He Didn’t. [What was I making?]
- Forgets the Name of Merrick Garland [Oh yeah!]
- Refers to Stop & Shop Strike as ‘Rite Aid Strike’ [I like kool aid!]
- ‘Make Sure You Have the Record Player On at Night’ [I sure could go for some right now]
- Confuses Iraq and Afghanistan [What am I saying?]
- Says It’s ‘Absolutely Mindless’ Magazines with Multiple Rounds Have Not Been Banned [Where is my reminder person?]
- Makes Up War Story [Oh…right, no talking. I’m reading]
- ‘I’m Not Going Nuts’ [I’m reading…reading…]
- Confuses New Hampshire for Vermont [Don’t ask me questions!]
- Says He Was Vice President During Parkland Massacre [What was I making?]
- ‘There Are at Least Three’ Genders [Oh yeah]
- ‘Poor Kids Are Just as Bright as White Kids’ [I like kool aid]
- ‘We Believe in Truth over Facts.’[I sure could go for some right now]
- Misses Locations of Back-to-Back Shootings, Refers to Michigan and Houston [What am I saying?]
- ‘Joe 30330’ [Where is my reminder person?]
- Touts Relationships with Segregationist Senators as Examples of Civility [Oh…right, no talking. I’m reading]
- Tells Paraplegic State Senator To Stand Up [I’m reading…reading…]
- Calls Obama First Mainstream African American Who Is ‘Articulate’ and ‘Clean’ [Don’t ask me questions!]
- ‘You Can’t Go to a 7-11 or Dunkin’ Donuts Unless You Have an Indian Accent’ [What was I making?]
A Biden Presidency is sure to cleanse the colon of freedom in America.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. However, in this case the gaffes are real as is the salad recipe. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
