BOHICA: North Carolina National Guard “Blue Falcons” Its Soldiers
by Hugh Jashol
September 4, 2019
Highly placed officials at the North Carolina Army National Guard’s Joint Force Headquarters in Raleigh, NC were recently seen breathing a collective sigh of relief after a local news station detailed the Guard’s complete and abject failure to take care of its troops, anonymous sources say.
“I can’t name any names,” our source said, “but they were top men. Top. Men.”
According to the report from Charlotte, NC’s WBTV, multiple members of the states 30th Brigade Combat Team, recently deployed to Kuwait, have consistently gone without pay or TRICARE health insurance.
As most of you are aware, whenever an employee does their job for an employer, they’re supposed to be paid, even if that employer is the military. And for Guardsmen placed on active duty status for a deployment, they and their families qualify for TRICARE Prime Remote. Given that most of the soldiers previously had health insurance through their full-time jobs, or paid for TRICARE Reserve Select, which they no longer qualify for by virtue of being on active duty, access to Prime Remote isn’t a luxury, it’s an absolute necessity.
“I kinda feel bad for all those folks, but hey, for what it’s worth, we [the NCNG] really dodged a bullet,” our source said as he theatrically wiped his brow.
The reason for this relief comes from two separate but distinct origins.
The first, is one Lieutenant Colonel Matt DeVivo, the state’s spokesman, who went out of his way to be as big of a cunt as possible when speaking to reporters.
LTC DeVito repeatedly blamed the soldiers for not getting the problems fixed, denied that there were problems in the first place, and encouraged families not to go to the doctor or get prescriptions filled.
“I’m not gonna lie, when they read that? Man, [redacted] just about cried. Suddenly they had the perfect patsy to blame it all on so they could swoop in and save the day. Eventually. Not sure when. I think they’re busy trying to reschedule that golf tournament now that Dorian looks like it’s gonna hit us.”
And the other?
“U.S. Code § 976 specifically prevents anyone in the military, including Guardsmen, from forming a union or engaging in any activities that are typically associated with unions. That means no strikes, no protests, no pickets, nothing. And since Article 134 of the UCMJ can be used to nail anyone that speaks to the media, they’ve got no recourse whatsoever, at least in the short term. I mean, what are they going to do, go to the IG? Write a Congressman? We all know what that’s worth,” he said, making frantic masturbatory motions with his hands.
“I shudder to think what our retention rates are gonna be over the next couple of years,” he added, “but that’s a problem for later. I’m sure we’ll blame it on millennials being lazy or something.”
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.