Chemlight Dinners and Ranger Panties: The Unforeseen Dangers of Women in Combat Arms

Chemlight Dinners and Ranger Panties: The Unforeseen Dangers of Women in Combat Arms
by Pablo James

This article first appeared in Article 107 News December 18, 2015.

This week, Defense Secretary Ash Carter announced that all Military Occupational Specialties would be open to women beginning next month. That’s 220,000 combat arms jobs that women can serve in, including special operations and Infantry.

“There will be no exceptions,” Secretary Carter said, “They’ll be allowed to drive tanks, fire mortars and lead infantry soldiers into combat. They’ll be able to serve as Army Rangers and Green Berets, Navy SEALs, Marine Corps Infantry, Air Force parajumpers and everything else that was previously open only to men.”

This historic announcement comes just weeks after the first three female Soldiers successfully graduated Ranger School and the Marine Corps completed their study of women in the Infantry.

We at Article 107 News were discussing this matter high atop the corporate skyscraper while simultaneously texting and social media engaging our followers, fans, and undisclosed sources and we determined that there may be a handful of unintended consequences that the Secretary may not have taken into account when he made this historic decision.

• Pink camouflage will expose troops to enemy fire.

• Perfume will give away positions during reconnaissance and ambush operations.

• Sammich jokes will be banned.

• “We just got over being gay. Now we have to be hetero again???”

• Male Soldiers will actively seek out hypothermia in order to regain heat with battle buddy in sleeping bag.

• They will demand all the chocolate from the MREs.  

• MREs will now come with tampons (which will seriously mess up the “rat fuck” boxes).

• “Blood Wings” will now be considered SHARP violations.

• Hugh Hefner is furious. He cancelled nudity in Playboy two months before he could do the “Women of Special Operations” special edition.

• Little girls will pick on little boys saying, “My mommy is a Grunt, but your daddy is a POG!”

• Who will make the Sammich MREs???

• NCOs will have to be REALLY careful when saying “Grunt” with a dip in.

• “Ranger Panties” will now be a literal term.

• Chemlight dinner will now be considered romantic.

• They will insist on listening to Allanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” before direct action missions and raids.

• Some female Soldiers “literally can’t even.”

• Additional maintenance costs to vehicles because “didn’t even see that other MRAP. Anyway, they were going way too fast for the motorpool.”

• New requirements could include carrying a toddler and 17 plastic grocery bags while negotiating the Darby Queen obstacle course.

• 17% of female Rangers won’t be eligible to compete in Best Ranger because it falls on “that weekend.”

• Their menstrual cycles might affect global warming and that will create more terrorists.

• Hit times on objectives frequently missed because they insist on pulling over and asking for directions.

• President Obama’s speech writers will not be able to decide what we don’t have on the ground in Iraq – boots, high heels, or absolutely amazing strappy sandals.

We are in no way suggesting that the integration of women into combat arms and special operations will not work. We are simply suggesting that every major action has second and third order effects that need to be considered before disaster strikes.

That being said, we wish all the women endeavoring to serve their nation as front line fighters and warriors all the best. We salute you and appreciate your service.

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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.