Hurricane Dorian Avoids “Cockburn,” Still On Track To Plow into the Carolinas Raw and Hard
by Hugh Jashol
September 1, 2019
SILVER SPRING, MD – Hurricane Dorian managed to avoid Cockburn while passing through the Bahama Islands, but is still on track to go raw and deep into the Carolinas. This is going to be a huge, throbbing problem for North Carolina residents.
“The storm is fully raging at Erect,” said North Carolina meteorologist Robert Stonewall Leeroy Jenkins Buchanan IV, “and is expected to dodge Hookerton but blast straight through Horneytown in order to get to Morehead, and possibly, eventually, even reach Climax.”
North Carolina residents are encouraged to take proper hurricane prophylactic precautions.
South Carolinians are also pulling out disaster plans and praying storm damage is minimal. However, there are concerns Hurricane Dorian may penetrate south of current projection models, and end up coming ashore all over Sugar Tit. If this happens, Dorian will likely plow through Fingerville, Golight, Happy Bottom, Mud Lick,and Ninety Six before avoiding No Man’s Land.
Be careful out there, friends.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
Yes, “Cockburn Town” is a thing. In fact, all of the North Carolina and South Carolina town names we mentioned are real, too. It’s everything else that’s made up.
This article is an attempt to inject some levity into a very serious situation. Hurricane Dorian is now a Category 5 hurricane, and when it goes ashore, people are going to die. If you’re in the path of this hurricane, please take a moment to laugh about this article and then do whatever you have to do to protect you and yours from this killer storm.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
