Department of Defense Changes .mil Domain to .milf
by Hugh Jashol
September 5, 2019
AUSTIN, TX – At a recent cyber-security conference in Arlington, Virginia hosted by Booze Allen Hamilton, Article 107 News investigative reporters learned about several highly sensitive cyber security initiatives put forward by U.S. Army Futures Command. Although some aspects of these initiatives are classified, Article 107 made the decision to provide our readers with this breaking information due to public interest.
The highly secret U.S. Army Futures and Concepts Center located at Fort Eustis, Virginia teamed up with Army Applications Lab at the University of Texas-Austin to launch a cyber-security program called Operation Hiding in Plain Sight. The idea behind the program is to confuse would-be Russian hackers by renaming domains, agencies, programs, and operations to names that Russian techno-nerds living in their moms’ basements would not ever think to hack. The Central Intelligence Agency’s Advanced Weapons Division discovered that Russian technicians are prolific porn users and protect the industry like Frodo protects his ring. The idea is that Russians would never attempt to infiltrate or sabotage something they love.
techno-nerd, Lebedinsky Yelisay Radionovich
wonders: “How U.S. know I live in mother’s basement?”
The pinnacle of the program is to change all Department of Defense email and website domains to .milf because Russian logarithms do not search for such combinations of letters. The logic is because the Department of Defense has come under increasing scrutiny from Congress to do something about its alpha-male testosterone-laden culture that, according to Senator Gillibrand, an open and notorious man-hater who panders to her ultra-left wing constituency, is the cause of all sexual harassment and sexual assault in the military. Article 107 was not able to obtain Senator Gillibrand’s explanation of the rampant sexual harassment of female staff members in Congress where a culture of skinny pants, lumber-sexuals, and trimmed beards leads an emasculated environment that doesn’t know how to drive a stick shift. Russians understand the American political environment and are hesitant to scrutinize anything that Congress already scrutinizes, i.e. American service members who like to have sex.
Hiding in plain sight is not a new tactic by the services. The Air Force is reported to be experimenting with a pilot program where male Airman do not wear pants to staff meetings. In an Article 107 News poll of 1,000 female airman working with teammates participating in the pilot program, only one noticed that her male counterpart was not wearing pants, and she also indicated she barely noticed anything was there.
The services are also beginning to be more security conscious when naming operations. It was recently leaked to Article 107 that JSOC is conducting an operation across the border into Mexico called Barely Legal, and the CIA Clandestine Service is conducting an operation in Nigeria called Blacked.
Russia understands that the U.S. military is desperate to reduce sexual harassment in its ranks, not only because it doesn’t like sexual harassment, something that has a deleterious effect on mission accomplishment, but also because it’s sick as shit of Congress getting all up into its grillz for purely political purposes.
The Army Applications Lab, an office in Austin, Texas where any millennial with a keyboard can come and show the Army his big idea, has an informal partnership with PornHub to re-write the Army’s cyber-security signature, and operational culture. Acronyms like MDMP, COA, and IPC will soon be replaced by BBW, and GILF. US Army Training and Doctrine did not respond to Article 107’s request for comments on whether Army doctrine will be updated to reflect the change.
All of this seems counter-intuitive, but understanding how the defense industrial complex works makes these developments understandable from a political lens. Senator Bernie Sanders from Vermont is reported to own stock in RedTube, and Senator Diane Feinstein from California is reported to be so sexually frustrated that her bathroom is covered in vintage David Hasselhoff posters. Her colleagues on the Senate Intelligence Committee have long complained about her lack of productivity. When asked what the possible causes of this were, Senator Kamala Harris said, “I don’t know, but she sure does spend a lot of time in the bathroom.” Such behaviors and connections with the porn and soft-porn industries raises great suspicion about the origins of the US Government’s interest in the Hiding in Plain Sight program. After all, the Department of Defense doesn’t do anything unless the Congress appropriates money, and even then, that money usually comes with conditions on the creation of jobs in the districts of key-Congressional leaders. The Fleshlight, for example, is manufactured in three different states and field tested in Foggy Bottom, and most porn is either produced in the state of California, or brokered from Russia with Russian actors to California. In Washington, jobs in California and support from Russian corporate contributors to campaigns mean votes.
Regardless of the windfall to new defense contractors from Senator Feinstein’s state. Operation Hiding in Plain Sight has been lauded by the intelligence community as exactly the type of “outside the box” initiative that will be needed to counter near-peer offensive cyber capability. Its genius rests in its simplicity; the Russians will never think to interfere with an industry in which their country is fully invested, and by masquerading as porn domains, Russia will never think to hack into them.
Senator Feinstein was not available for comment. Senator Sanders was available for comment, but no one on Article 107 staff understood what he was saying.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
