Defense Department Designates Strippers, Pawn Shops, Used Car Dealers “Essential Personnel”
by Hugh Jashol
FORT BRAGG, NC — In a move that really surprised no one, the Department of Defense has added strippers, pawn shops, and used car dealers to the list of professional services deemed “essential,” to which troops will be able to have unfettered access, even in states where restrictive “shelter in place” measures exist. To be honest, we’re really just surprised that it took this long.
After surveying 2,000 Soldiers in the 82nd Airborne Division in the pay grades of E-3 and below, Article 107 News found that the three things Soldiers spent most their time and money on are, in fact, strippers, pawn shops, and used cars (at 25% interest or more).
Although Fort Bragg itself is perplexingly 100% free of the COVID-19, neighboring Fayetteville was hit hard by the Chinese coronavirus. Rick’s Lounge, an infamous brother/strip joint in downtown Fayetteville’s Hay Street red-light district, is temporarily shuttered due to a COVID-19 related shortages of foreign-born prostitutes. Sharkey’s Caberet, another fixture on Fort Bragg’s E-4-and-below scene, remains open although its employees are plagued with different viral (and some bacterial) infections. And the Flaming Mug, the site of many a fistfight and parking-lot hand job, has closed its doors forever.
It’s a damn shame.
Tiffany has trained all her life to dance at Sharkey’s Cabaret: growing up with a negligent mother and absent father, she turned to drugs, sex and alcohol early in life to fill the void. Armed with low self-esteem, bodacious ta-tas and daddy issues, she earns hundreds of dollars each week catering to the mostly-male population of 50,000 troops stationed at Ft. Bragg.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.