GAO Determines 95% of DoD Reports “Not Humanly Possible to Read” Due to Volume
by Untactic Al
Jan 9, 2020
In a recent GAO (U.S. Government Accountability Office) report, which only two people read (one was by accident), it was revealed that there were so many reports being filed from all the branches of the DoD that it was not humanly possible for 95% of them to be read. The report went on to state that, prior to the computer age, it was estimated that electronic communications would reduce paper use and reporting by 75%.
As it turns out, in this year of 2020, that estimate was total and complete bullshit. The amount of copy paper used in 2019 could have created a paper airplane Air Force that numbered more than the estimated total count of stars in the universe. This gave one aspiring USAF Colonel an idea, which was thankfully beaten out of him by some angry C-5 Crew Chiefs.
The various types of reports increased by 2 x 1023, a number which everyone in the DoD corroborates. E-mail traffic compared to typewritten memos was immeasurable, and the Cray supercomputer that attempted the calculation had to be humanely euthanized with a well-placed shot from a Colt 1911.
Certain aberrations have shown some difficulty in the transition to digital, even though it has been underway since the late 1980s. Below is a sampling of occurrences at various locations:
* Ft. Benning, an Army Company commander was seen placing his smart phone on the scanner bed of a copier and repeatedly scrolling the phone display and pressing the copy button.
* Cherry Point MCAS, headquarters clerks were seen printing e-mails so that they could be recycled.
* Aboard the USS Gerald Ford the Skipper was yelling at a nearby yeoman to change the ribbon in his laptop.
* Shaw AFB, admins were instructed to make paper copies of all e-mails and then file them for future use.
Because it is not humanly possible to read all the reports generated by the DoD, the job is being outsourced to China who will provide summary reports back to commanders in the various branches. One high-ranking officer provided this insight.
“Yeah the summary reports will read like the instructions from something you buy from Harbor Freight Tools, but at least someone is reading all those reports. After all, we wouldn’t be generating them if they weren’t important, would we?”
Following his statement a massive eye roll was heard throughout the enlisted ranks of the DoD.
_______________________________________________
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
