Hillary Clinton Flees Federal Indictment
by Noah Ward
This article first appeared in Article 107 News January 31, 2016.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Just hours before the Department of Justice was set to announce an indictment against her for illegal storage of classified information, reports have confirmed that Hillary Clinton has gone into hiding in an effort to flee Federal authorities.
“We should have seen this one coming,” admitted Attorney General Loretta Lynch after simultaneous raids at the Clinton Foundation and the former senator’s Brooklyn campaign headquarters turned up nothing but a few low-level associates. “(Secretary of Defense) Carter let the cat out of the bag by whispering that he was going after Petraeus’ fourth star. Clinton saw the writing on the wall and got out while the getting was good.”
While finger-pointing continued in Washington, law enforcement officials prepared for a manhunt.
“Make no mistake,” W. Steven Flaherty, Superintendent of the Virginia State Police, briefed his subordinates as they rallied tracking dogs and helicopters. “Your target is a canny, dangerous individual. She’s capable of anything, possibly armed, has a network of fanatically loyal supporters, and a past history of criminal violence.”
Officials at the Democratic National Committee were quick to downplay the severity of the charges while maintaining the possible innocence of the former First Lady.
“It’s important at this stage not to jump to conclusions,” said Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee and former manager of Clinton’s failed 2008 campaign for the presidency. “We at the DNC are a totally neutral body and are prepared to help law enforcement to the utmost of our ability,” Schultz insisted, claiming neutrality despite repeated criticism that she had rigged the entire primary election in favor of the former Secretary of State. “We would also like to remind the American people that Mrs. Clinton is innocent until proven guilty under law, whether those charges happen to be about her private email server, covering up a foreign policy fiasco in Benghazi, or possibly having a man killed over a botched real estate scam in Arkansas. I would also remind all of our primary voters that she is still on the ballot and would be honored to accept your vote.”
Police were less inclined to give Clinton the benefit of the doubt, expressing deep concern that her vast sums of money and knowledge of politics might enable her to remain on the run for a protracted timespan.
“Local surveillance footage showed the target boarding a train at Dupont Circle wearing a trenchcoat, fedora, and carrying two suitcases that we can only assume are cash,” Flaherty told the press at a conference once the initial search teams came up empty-handed. “Be advised that she is highly intelligent and deceptive, and might try to blend into local populations as a female Chairman Mao impersonator, or a life-sized Cabbage Patch Doll, or someone’s incredibly angry grandmother.”
After revelations of the charges, likely voters still chose Clinton over Trump by a margin of 47-42.
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Candidate Clinton isn’t fleeing the authorities…and why should she? Everyone knows she’s “too big to jail.”
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.