“Homeless Man” Kicked Out Of Special Forces Barracks Was Actually… A Special Forces Soldier
by Hugh Jashol
(Fort Bragg, NC) Veteran-themed blogs across the country have been blowing up recently with news about a homeless man who had somehow managed to live, undetected, in the barracks of the 3rd Special Forces Group for more than 8 months before being discovered.
US Army WTF Moments, a veteran-themed Facebook page enormously popular with the veteran community, first brought us the news of the Francis Francisco, a man who police now say lived a double life: by day, a helpful soldier; by night… something else.
After being busted by Fayetteville, NC police for soliciting ladyboy Thai hookers along Murchison Road, police searched Francisco’s barracks room and found a horde of military equipment, much of which was suspected of being stolen.
Contraband found in the room included match-grade sniper ammunition, uniforms and currency from at least 8 third-world countries, two extraordinarily attractive third-country-national females (both of whom claimed to be married to the man), three ducklings, a stuffed llama, and most disturbing of all, “a cache of DVD pornography.”
The find, along with Francisco’s appearance, his behavior, and his refusal to speak any intelligible language to the arresting officers, led police to evict Francisco from the barracks and charge him with, among other things, impersonating a soldier, trespassing, and “soliciting a crime against nature”
As it turns out though, the final, and perhaps most ironic, twist to this story was that the individual was, in fact, a Special Forces non-commissioned officer. Staff Sergeant Francis Francisco, the junior weapons sergeant assigned to ODA 3333, was released this morning after he sobered up and suddenly recalled he could, in fact, speak English. Local police turned him loose just before the rest of his team was preparing to explosively breach the downtown jail where he was being held.
Despite apologies from the head of the local police department and mayor, 3rd Group’s Command Sergeant Major, Ian Randy, was not pleased. Speaking to cameras in front of the Fayetteville, NC courthouse Randy expressed his deep displeasure with the way the case was handled.
“Look, I know that we’re the only SF Group that wasn’t smart enough to beat feet out of Fort Bragg, but that doesn’t give Fayetteville PD the right to racially profile and harass my guys,” Randy explained. “How long has there been an SF presence at Bragg, and now the local PD suddenly wants to act like they don’t know us? #Greenhat Lives Matter, people!”
Chief Warrant Officer 5 Stanley McMaster, a longtime member of 3rd Group, agreed. “You can’t tell me that the Fayetteville cops didn’t know this guy was legit. I mean all the evidence is right there. Totally looking like a homeless dude because of long hair and bushy, non-regulation beard? Check. Stolen government equipment, to include livestock, vehicles, live ammo and/or explosives? Check.”
“Huge cache of DVD porn and maybe even a purple battery-powered jelly dong? Hey, it would be suspicious if he DIDN’T have that,” McMaster continued. “Check. Questionable sexual preferences? Well, yeah that happens in Special Forces; what can I say, check. Multiple foreign-born wives? Check and mate. But what really should have tipped them off was the way he managed to keep his hands firmly inserted in his pockets, even after they cuffed him. That’s a dead giveaway that someone is in SF, and the cops around here damn well know it.”
In response to 3rd Group’s claims of racial profiling, and fearing the kind of massive social upheaval that is roiling college campuses across the nation, local authorities agreed to provide “safe spaces” for persecuted Green Berets by doubling the size of their Team Rooms. They will also triple each ODA’s OPFUND, and hire another 180A per ODA to promote “green hat awareness” in the local community.
And mirroring the “dicks out for Harambe” silliness still sweeping the country, Special Forces supporters throughout the US have adopted a new hashtag, #HandsInPocketsForSF. This hashtag was the #1 trending tag on Twitter and Facebook before both companies realized that this was something military-related and shut it down.
Article 107 News is a satire site, and you should not think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock everyone who does. If you want real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. In the meantime, enjoy the comments posted by everyone who thought this was real.