Humble USAF Academy Grad Awarded Bronze Star: Leads Service-Wide Search for Missing F-Bombs
by Untactic Al
September 23, 2019
LAUGHLIN AFB, TX – 2d Lt Alfreda Blivingston is being hailed as a hero today for initiating an Air Force wide munitions accountability inspection for missing bombs. Article 107 News caught up with Blivingston right after the ceremony where she was awarded a Bronze Star for her actions. Article 107 News was on the scene and interviewed the officer, who provided a personal account of what happened:
“Well it’s one of those things that they teach us at the Academy you know. I mean the United States Air Force Academy. See – I got the ring? Anywho, they teach us to listen to what people are saying, even when they don’t think we are listening. Especially when they don’t know we are listening. So I happened to be standing around the corner from the Munitions Section break room and I hear about some guy dropping a bomb and that he did it all the time and had even been counseled about it a bunch of times.
Of course that gets my interest cause I want to know more since it sounds like a bad sort of thing to be happening. I especially want to know what kind of bombs they were and eventually they say they were F-bombs. I remembered from my Academy days, did I tell you I’m an Academy grad? Yeah – Class of 2017 – Go Blue Falcons!! Yay! Anyways we learned about A-bombs which are atom bombs, and also H-bombs which are hydrogen bombs and I knew that F-bombs are fusion bombs.
So I figure there must be a bunch of fusion bombs showing as expended in the system and thought I’d go take a look in the Munitions Accountability System and guess what I found? Not only were there no expenditures, there weren’t even any showing in inventory. Then I checked other bases and nobody else showed any. Now I remembered learning in the Academy about the time that the Air Force had lost track of munitions and so I thought we’d better find the missing F-bombs. Did I mention that I’m an Academy grad?
I expeditiously contacted our local IG (Inspector General) and initiated an Air Force wide munitions inventory and inspection to locate and properly account for all of our F-bombs. Base Commanders were sacked because not a one of them could locate the fusion bombs that they were accountable for. New commanders were brought in, weapons were located, and then properly inventoried.
The main boss at The Pentagon, I forget his name because he wasn’t an Academy grad, decided I should get a Bronze Star for discovering such a serious problem. So here I am. Pretty sick huh? I can’t wait to find the next big screw-up and fix it! Did I mention that I’ went to the Air Force Academy?”
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. Yes we know the picture is of an Army helicopter pilot…the story’s not real see. It’s just funny and sheds some light on the very serious responsibility of munitions accountability. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.