Joking Banned at Pentagon in Sweeping Memo
by Untactic Al
September 20, 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Article 107 News obtained the following memo received today from an unnamed source within the Pentagon.
Distro: All Pentagon personnel
From: You Know Who (No, not him. Or him either.)
The military is serious business and all of us senior leaders get the feeling that the troops aren’t taking us or the military seriously. But mostly us. Well, mostly me. I see it on the interwebs all the time. Well actually my aides see it and tell me. Places like the FaceBooks, Tweeter, Snapperchats, Readdit and sights like that. We put out policies that are for the betterment of the troops and they make fun of the policies and us.
The Aircore and the other branches put out regulations for the social medias and for the most part they have been pretty useless. When I travel to different bases I see all sorts of evidence of shenanigans. And this latest affront to human decency! Navy pilots making big male private parts in the sky! I mean come on! It wasn’t even anatomically accurate. What are we spending our money on at the Naval Academy? How did these guys even pass Anatomy 101? And it wasn’t even to scale. Nobody has a wee-wee that big. Well except for Antonio, my pool boy.
But I digress. Big ole schlongs in the sky! We have come to expect such behavior from Marines and Air Force Crew Chiefs. That and their little hand gestures. What is it with the “Ok” and “Three Finger’s” deals?
People are laughing and joking and poking fun at us and I won’t tolerate it anymore! They will respect my authoritay! And way too often they are making fun and we don’t even know it. I don’t know where they learned satire so well because we don’t teach it in Basic or any of the advanced schools. Hell, even at War College it was an elective.
So henceforth the only way to put a stop to all this disrespectful behavior is to ban humor completely. Yes, even the comics must be removed from all the service newspapers. So new regulations will be published and to make sure they are taken seriously they will carry the death penalty for any violators.
And I will personally hang the next barista that makes a willy design in the foam of my non-fat soy latte! I’m totally serious about this!
Oh – it’s Friday, enjoy your weekend.
Article 107 News interviewed an unidentified Pentagon
staffer who commented: “Its so quiet now, you can hear
a mouse fa–” but was interrupted with a swat to the head
with the rolled up memo by a senior staffer passing by.
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Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
