No Qualified Commanders for Fledgling U.S. Space Force
by Untactic Al
September 28, 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Air Force has begun a ten-year initiative to address the lack of good leadership in the officer ranks. The issue first came to light when trying to find a commander for the recently formed Space Command. During the search process it was discovered that there were no officers who were qualified to hold the position. Article 107 News obtained, through confidential sources within the Pentagon, a copy of the qualifications list.
Candidates were racked-and-stacked using the following criteria:
- Current command must have a documented 200,000 hours minimum of community service during the past 12 months or current fiscal year, whichever is longer.
- Current command must have 100% compliance for all HR related training and zero cases to the SARC (Sexual Assault Response Coordinator) for the past three calendar years.
- Current command must have a combined average waist measurement of 32 inches and a combined 1.5 mile run average of 12 minutes for the past three calendar years.
- Current command must have a minimum of four awards issued annually per individual.
- Current command must have hosted a minimum of 300 VIP visits per year for the preceding three years.
- Aircraft and missile FMC (Fully Mission Capable) rates must have not ever been less than 85% for the preceding three years.
- Morale must not have dropped below 20% over the preceding three years as documented in the corresponding climate surveys.
Top military leaders are stunned there was not one candidate who met or exceeded each qualification. A meeting was called for all O-5s and above in order to brainstorm solutions. The conference was held at Hickam AFB, HI over a four-week period this last January. Although the results of the meeting are confidential, a reliable source stated that one initiative will be a new CBT-based series of courses designed to groom O-1 through O-3 officers to be able to meet these easily met criteria.
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
