Russia Today and Chinese Communist Party Enter Bidding War to Acquire CNN & MSNBC
by Maxwell Paddington
May 16, 2020
NEW YORK, NY — Russian government media outlet Russia Today (RT) and the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) have entered a bidding war with U.S. media executives to acquire mainstream media (MSM) outlets CNN and MSNBC. Both countries are currently in competitive negotiations with CNN President Jeff Zucker and MSNBC President Philip T. Griffin.
CNN and MSNBC’s net worth are each valued at approximately $5 billion. However, offers for both networks are reportedly in the “hundreds of billions” as each authoritarian government attempts to outbid the other.
“It just makes sense,” said RT Chairperson Svetlana Mironyuk. “A cursory examination of either outlet’s headlines shows them to be invaluable to our strategic interests.” She then added: “We’ve seen the rise of the zombie left in the U.S. It staggers around. It attacks everything in sight, slavering and screaming. It forms herds, which go in circles, forever starving for a kind of narcissistic self-satiation. And the end result of all this is that accomplishes…less than nothing. It’s easy to see.”
However, China’s Minister of National Defense, General Chang Wanquan, has also declared China’s intent to acquire both media giants, outlining plans to rebrand CNN and MSNBC as “PLA Unit 61399” and “PLA Unit 61400” respectively. “When we saw CNN’s first headline mildly unsupportive of China last month, we knew we had to act,” said General Wanquan. “If MSNBC follows suit, years of equivalent no-cost destabilizing psychological operations are at risk.”
Both Chinese and Russian officials have expressed difficulty in assigning a monetary value for a U.S.- based MSM outlet’s domestically divisive, ad hominem narrative; but agree that calling it “Mainstream” is itself priceless.
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An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
