This article first appeared in Article 107 News January 17, 2016.
During the award speech, FBI director James Comey explained this shocking turn of events. “All this time, the world thought that Sean Penn was just another no-talent, pretentious attention-whoring Hollywood assclown. But the whole time, he was OUR no-talent, pretentious attention-whoring Hollywood assclown. We absolutely would not have captured El Chapo without Sean Penn’s meddling, and the whole world knows it. It is my pleasure to tell everyone how happy we are with this outcome, and we’re sure there will be no negative repercussions for Agent Penn.”
Penn has since inexplicably gone into hiding and was unavailable to comment on this story.
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