Secret U.S. Drone Program Ends Up in Crapper
by Untactic Al
September 17, 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Article 107 News obtained recently declassified documents under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) pertaining to a secret drone program called Intelligence Surveillance Extreme Expeditionary Utility (ISEEU) designed to be so innocuous that those surveilled would never suspect it. Additionally, the methods used were so ubiquitous that they would not be out of place anywhere in the world. DoD scientists designed a nano-camera and microphone system able to transmit real time via satellite and is not much larger than the ball on a dog tag chain.
The search went out for ideas to deploy this system and the best minds of the DoD went to work. Dogs and rats were considered as carriers due to their easy trainability, as were pigeons, but all were eventually ruled out for various reasons. $186M in research funds were expended in ruling out various animals and insects until zeroing in on a large species of common housefly.
Over 10,000 of these genetically engineered insects were raised in secret DoD labs in Maryland, the camera systems attached, and the drones were then deployed to various AFOSI, NCIS, CIA, and military combat and operational units worldwide.
Genetically engineered housefly carrying $4.7M
ISEEU nano-camera and microphone system.
Article 107 News scoured the declassified documents, looking for the results of this innovative intelligence (and barracks spying) tool. Would it be the capture of some high-ranking ISIS leader? Would it be the breakup of a spy ring? Or perhaps the foiling of some government coup? A senior official, close to the program, spoke to Article 107 News on condition of anonymity:
“Well I’ll tell you what sort of feed we got from the drones. We got footage of cow shit. We got video of horse shit. Tons of pig shit, dog shit, cat shit, and people shit. We also got porn footage of flies doing it. We also got film of more garbage than we knew existed and plenty of dead durka durka’s. We also have hundreds of hours’ worth of various animal asses. Even some E-2 wiping his butt in a Cadillac toilet. But not one minute of anything useful. The whole thing went south when bats started eating the drones. Man, I gotta say that the digestive tract of a bat isn’t a pretty thing to see. The Pentagon brass shut the whole thing down and destroyed all the records. The whole thing was a giant pile of crap – figuratively and literally! I really just want to get drunk and never sober up again!”
This reporter is resolved to kill any housefly seen.
Recently declassified enhanced 3-D computer rendering
representing 99.4% of data collected from ISEEU drones.
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Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
