Wikileaks Releases “Brain Transcript” from Classified DARPA Program
by Untactic Al
January 1, 2020
Unnamed sources leaked sensitive data related to a classified Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) program involving the recording, decoding and transcribing of human brain wave activity. The following is the raw transcript released by Wikileaks created from a brain data download. It is unedited and shown verbatim as it recorded.
“You idiot, you knew she was a ho when you first asked if you could buy her that drink. You had seen her with a whole train of guys over a period of months but your idiot second brain took over didn’t it. Wow this burrito is good but I need another beer. I mean you could have just gone home and got on PornHub and let Riley Reid keep you out of trouble. But oh no, you just couldn’t do the smart thing. Ick, what’s this stuck in my teeth? What can I use to get it out? Maybe the spork? Nope that was a fail. Man this is annoying. Oh wait, I’ll use this cotter pin I have in my pocket. Ungh ungh. Ick – what the hell is that? I don’t remember eating that? What do I do with it? Trash? Nah too far away. I was obviously already eating it before so back in it goes. Even my friends said not to hook up with her. They told me exactly how it was all going to play out because she did the exact same thing to the previous seven guys. But no. She told me it was different with me and it would stick. The other guys she had been with told me she said that to them too. But my stupid hormones helped me believe the lie. All that money, the new car for her, all gone. Hey who’s calling me? Oh, just another stupid robocall. I hate those things. You know, this phone is getting old, maybe I should get a new one. Oh man that stunk, hope it wasn’t wet. That burrito is working fast. I should trap it in a baggie and send it to her. Ha! I should have known something was up when she kept dancing with that one guy at our wedding. I don’t even know who he was and I sure didn’t invite him. Ouch, I’m sitting on my balls wrong. There that’s better. And you knew that volunteering for that short unaccompanied tour was a bad idea. But no, you had to go and do it anyway. Stupid fly, why won’t you die. And then moronic you thought it would be fun to come home a few days early unannounced and surprise her. Yep, you walk in the bedroom and it looks just like a gangbang scene on PornHub. Well you got what you deserved didn’t you? You never learn? Hey who’s SnapChatting me? Oooh, it’s that hot babe from the bar flashing me. I gotta’ give her a call and see if she wants to hook up. Ooh that’s a nasty booger.”
Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
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