Senators’ Comments Offer Rare Inside Look at Continuing Resolutions
by Untactic Al
September 19, 2019
As the deadline approaches for passage of the Continuing Resolution, or in military parlance, the CR, lawmakers on both sides of the Senate argued over a number of highly important issues. Many of the demands of both Democrats and Republicans were picked up by cameras and phones which spread like wildfire over social media.
“If I don’t get guarantees of a barista who can make a donkey in the foam of my latte I will not support this Continuing Resolution!” Senator G. CA
“People are always complaining that the government never does anything anyway, so I say shut it down and they won’t know the difference! Hey – I’ll still get paid right?” Senator K. MA
“Listen, I have to pay taxes on my vacation properties in Hawaii and I won’t support this deal unless we can write in a tax waiver for me. People just don’t understand how badly I need vacations. The five weeks I spend every year on Capitol Hill are brutal. Really brutal!” Senator J. ME
“Unless we can guarantee protection for the endangered Rocky Mountain Jumping Mouse I will not vote for this! What? There’s no such animal? It’s a regular common field mouse? Well all animals need protection and I will not vote unless we have guaranteed protection for the common field mouse.” Senator B. CO
“I have to fly around on an Air Force VC-21 and you have no idea how humiliating and draining that is. This budget must include a line item for all Senators to get personal Gulfstream G650s. We will accept nothing less!” Senator Z. NY
“My housekeeping staff, Nanny, and gardeners will all get deported. I just can’t afford to replace them with U.S. citizens. I won’t vote unless they can stay.” Senator D. AZ
“I demand a doggie walk area in the Capitol Building because my Fifi keeps crapping on the Senate floor. Luckily, I’ve been able to get away with blaming it on the Senator from Texas. Haha!” Senator L. OK
“Screw the people! And screw the CR! Everyone in the House and Senate knows that if anyone actually passes a budget in accordance with the current laws that the voters will dump them at the next election. Doing this keeps us in power and the people are too stupid to know what we are doing. Let them eat cake! Hey! Is that camera on?!?! Turn the f-ing thing off! Shit!” Senator G. WA
Meanwhile Senators from both sides of the aisle pointed fingers and blamed each other for the impasse, with shouted phrases like, “Nanner nanner boo boo” and “You’re a big fat doody-head”!
American politics at its finest.
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Prior to joining the Article 107 News Team, Untactic Al had a controversial and checkered 36-year career in the United States Air Force. He recently received his DD-214 blankie. The fact that he made it as far as he did merely illustrates the incompetence of his leadership.
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An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
