Trump Directs Military to Close “Class Six” On-Post Liquor Stores Until COVID-19 War Over
by Hugh Jashol
President Trump has directed the closure of the military’s Class VI (pronounced “Class Six”) liquor stores for the duration of the COVID-19 Chinese coronavirus crisis.
In the military supply system, “Class VI” indicates “personal comfort items.” However, that’s really just a euphemism for “on-base liquor store,” a fact the President was quick to make during his press conference announcing the new policy.
“Class Six is just a churched-up way of saying ‘taxpayer supported liquor store,’” the President explained. “It’s totally unfair that many of our nation’s citizens are stuck at home with no liquor-buying options, but our troops are free to buy White Claw and Four Loco to their heart’s content. This is only fair.”
Under the new guidance only “essential alcohol,” such as Military Special whiskey and Old English 800 will be available to senior leaders in the grades E-7 and up on the enlisted side, and the field grade ranks for officers. E-6 and below, and company-grade officers (O-3 and below) are expected to observe abstinence until further notice.
Pictured above, Sgt. (E-5) Jeff Westley when asked for comment.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
No, the military isn’t closing its Class VI stores. Do you want a military mutiny? Because that’s how you get a military mutiny. Drink away, troops, drink away…
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.