Vet-Owned “Tactical Tonka” Filled with…What?
by Hugh Jashol
This article originally appeared June 22, 2016.
NEW YORK, NY – Despite extreme efforts to blend in with New York City streets, a vehicle that authorities are describing as the “Tactical Tonka” was stopped in Manhattan on a trumped-up charge of driving with a cracked windshield today. Inside the vehicle were two men and a women, who quickly identified themselves as “combat veterans” who were on the way to the New York City premier of “Range 15,” which is some kind of Hollywood movie made by veterans, for veterans… as if that would ever really be a thing.
The vehicle was a heavily modified Dodge Ram pickup painted in bright hues and adorned with stickers including a full rendition of the Second Amendment, a three-foot-long NRA sticker, and a fairly disturbing image of what appears to be Hillary Clinton in a bikini.
The Cache
A search of the vehicle led police to discover an enormous cache of weapons, including an AR-15 death-dealing assault combat killer weapon exactly like the one used in Orlando, a shotgun, a number of handguns, some cheap-ass-looking knives, and an assault weapon helmet, complete with ultra-modern night vision goggles. Those items are shown in the picture below:
Even more disturbing was the large quantity of lethal military grade M200 “Purple Tip” assault ammo found hidden under a spare tire. Authorities also found some extremely high-grade marijuana, which the applicants said was “medicinal.” They also insisted they had no intentions whatsoever of sharing with all of the other moviegoers at the premier.
Upon searching the cooler attached to the front of the truck, authorities found four severed hands, what appeared to be a half-eaten brain, and a limp, half-inflated sex doll. When questioned about these strange items, the vehicle’s occupants explained that the body parts were props for the Range 15 premier, and that the blow-up doll “was a surprise for Jack.”
The driver was identified as 26-year-old Francis Francisco, a former Army Special Forces soldier who gained infamy last year after being arrested by Fayetteville, NC police for trespassing…in the barracks where he actually lived. We caught up to him after his most recent encounter with law enforcement, and he had this to say:
“This is the second time I’ve been profiled by the cops. They know I’m a Special Forces veteran, so they come up with all kinds of ways to harass me. I mean, I’m in a low-profile vehicle, minding my own business, and because I’m SF the cops automatically assume they’re going to find a whole bunch of illegal guns and ammo in my car. Well, I mean, they DID find all that. But they shouldn’t just make those assumptions! #GreenHatLivesMatter, people!”
The Aftermath
Literally everything found in Mr. Francisco’s Tactical Tonka was illegal in New York City, and all three occupants were looking at serious jail time. They were DEFINITELY going to miss the Range 15 movie premier. But after a quick phone call to Hollywood “fixer” Ross Patterson, who reminded the NYPD that they had better things to worry about (like the three police commanders who just got arrested on corruption charges) the occupants were allowed to continue on their way, with a little less MJ than they started with.
And a good day was had by all.
The end.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
Also, “Range 15,” a Hollywood movie made by veterans, for veterans, is absolutely “a thing,” and we are huge fans of the people who put it together. Go out and watch Range 15, and support your Veteran Community today (just don’t bring your guns, your drugs, and your sex toys).
One more thing: even though this article is totally fake, the pictures, and the incident that inspired this article, are totally real. Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
