Fort Hood COVID Cases Exceed STD Infections for the First Time Ever, Concerning Health Officials
by Hugh Jashol
May 3, 2020
Reported cases of COVID-19 have surpassed the number of sexually transmitted diseases on Fort Hood, the largest military base in the U.S. This is the first time since 1776 that an infection has taken more Soldiers out of formation than The Clap.
“Over the course of history, Disease and Non-Battle Injuries (DNBI) have taken more Soldiers out of the fight than any other single cause,” explained Doctor (Colonel) Steve Jeffries of the Army Medical Lab. “The number one cause of DNBI is, of course, sexually transmitted disease, followed by alcohol poisoning, platoon-level sports, and talking back to a Vietnam-era Command Sergeant Major.”
Given that Fort Hood and its nearby Killen, Texas was recently designated “The Best Place to Marry a Stripper,” it’s still a surprise that COVID rates are surpassing STDs. “We suspect that this is because COVID is driving an unintentional positive externality of actually driving down the STD rate,” Jeffries explained. “Simply put, if Joe is home with the ‘rona, he’s not out banging a stripper,”
Way to see the bright side, Colonel Jeffries.
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DNBI is legit, though. Be careful out there!
An Article 107 News Publication
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
