Salty Marine Lance Corporal Totally Hates His Brand New, Totally Competent Lieutenant
by Hugh Jashol
October 7, 2019
53 AREA, CAMP PENDLETON, CA – 1st Platoon, Alpha Company, 1st Battalion 1st Marine Regiment recently received a new platoon commander, 2nd Lieutenant Matthew Newman. According to sources, Lt. Newman has performed admirably in his three months with the unit, scoring high expert with rifle and pistol, successful campaigning for slots for his Marines to various schools, achieving a perfect 300 PFT score, and flying through the battalion’s recent 18-mile ruck march.
Fortunately, some of his Marines aren’t fooled one bit by this “boot LT.”
LCpl Mason Goodwin, an eight-year veteran of the Marine Corps and terminal Lance Corporal, has this to say about his platoon commander, “That boot don’t know what he’s doing. He thinks he can come here and impress everyone with his fitness and shooting abilities and his super hot wife? Well he’s got a thing or two to learn about what it’s like in The Fleet.”
Goodwin, a 26 year old rifleman in 1st Platoon, sits in his barracks room playing xBox and eating Twinkies while expounding on his new 2nd Lieutenant. “He’s not pulling the wool over my eyes! Thinks he can come here and wow us with his Masters Degree and his ultra-marathon running? He’s got another thing coming. Everyone knows that butter bar Lieutenants are incompetent idiots!”
As of last week, Lt. Newman had worked with the NCOs of the platoon on an innovative plan that improved the PFT scores of the whole platoon by an average of 15 points.
Goodwin, who has not passed a PFT or a height/weight exam since 2012, has been on light duty for the past 20 days while his platoon has been in the field. Lt. Newman had organized urban combat training this week led by former Delta Force operators, and had previously sent his men to a Tactical Tracking course run by former Rhodesian Selous Scouts.
Pointing to a light duty chit for his upset tummy, Goodwin said, “Glad I got out that dog and pony show! All that fancy training for what? I’d like to see that boot officer in the combat zones I’ve been in. He’d crack after five minutes just like every new officer in the Marine Corps!”
According to close associates, Goodwin deployed once to Camp Leatherneck and spent the deployment in an air-conditioned guard tower, because that’s absolutely all he could be trusted to do.
When last seen, Lt. Newman was facilitating MOUT training after completing a 10 mile “boots and utes” run in 60 minutes. He spent the rest of the day finding ways to encourage his Marines in their professional and personal goals, while securing a 96 hour liberty pass for each of them.
“Frickin dirtbag,” mumbled LCpl Goodwin through his Twinkie.
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.
A lot of lieutenants are capable of great things if you just give them a chance…and some NCO mentorship.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.