by Sergeant Major (Ret.) Hugh Jashol
As part of their exhaustive efforts to spread Diversity, Inclusiveness, and Equity on YouTube (DIE YT), Apple recently released two new emojis for use across all of its platforms. The emojis show two very similar orange-hued individuals with very similar protruding bellies, which gave rise to questions about whether or not Apple was expanding the culture wars by portraying a pregnant man.
Apple was quick to correct the record, however. “There are plenty of emojis that convey patriotism and celebrate active-duty personnel,” explained Grogan Schmexel (pronouns: xi/xim), Apple’s purple-haired Chief Inclusion Officer. “But there is nothing explicitly for veterans. So we decided to set up a new emoji line just for vets. We polled all of the veterans who work for Apple in the entire company of 154K employees, and all three of them agreed on these representations.
The initial offerings in the “Thank You For Your Service” line feature “Stressed Single Mom” and “Basic Fat Bearded VetBro.” “He’s not pregnant, it’s just a food baby,” Schmexel explained. “Well, I mean I don’t want to assume anyone’s gender…”
When we put these new emojis to the test among Art107 readers, the results were unanimous: “A fat, bearded dude and a stressed-out pregnant single mom? Yeah, this is the most accurate representation of Vet Life that I’ve ever seen.”
An Article 107 News Publication
The best place to get the facts before they happen!
Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.