Anderson Cooper Overdoses on GOP Debates
by Hugh Jashol
March 11, 2016
MIAMI, FL – Paramedics rushed to the vicinity of the Miami Hyatt Regency after an early-morning 911 call confirmed that CNN correspondent Anderson Cooper had overdosed on GOP debates. While the assembled candidates expressed dismay as the veteran reporter was transported to a nearby medical facility, no one seemed particularly surprised.
“It was pretty obvious that he had some sort of problem,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz, one of the leading candidates for the Republican presidential nomination. “I have nothing against Cooper, other than him being a homosexual doomed to the fires of eternal damnation, but I pray he has a swift recovery. After all, he is one of dozens of Americans who still want to see more GOP debates.”
“I want to stay positive here folks,” Ohio Governor and eternal optimist John Kasich told reporters, sounding upbeat in spite of failing to win a single election thus far this year. “I think it’s great that a guy like Cooper was so excited to see this race continue and develop from a crowded field in January to a national embarrassment in February to the horrifying spectacle that it is now. And if somebody out there can’t get enough of politics, whether on the cable news shows or on Facebook and Twitter, well, maybe the government has an obligation to step in and help them.”
“Obviously this news is deeply disturbing and our hearts go out to the Cooper family,” said Florida Senator Marco Rubio, appearing rattled and even sweatier than normal. “I mean, what a tragedy. If superficial good looks and an obsession with politics isn’t enough to keep you going in spite of a complete lack of credentials, what is?”
Of all the participants in this event, the 12th in a series of seemingly endless GOP debates, only New York businessman and improbable front-runner Donald Trump seemed unphased by the news.
“Of course he’s going to want to listen to me speak as often as possible,” Trump told reporters. “I have all the best words. Can you imagine how lucky this guy was? I wish I could be paid to listen to me speak all day.”
Thanks to some timely mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by CNN colleague Wolf Blitzer, Cooper is expected to recover. The Center for Disease Control reports that roughly 1 out of every 100 Americans has watched all 12 of the GOP debates. If you know someone who has watched all 12 debates, please refer them to a doctor, as there is a 74% chance that person is an insufferable asshole.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.