Rocky Balboa Wins $45M Lawsuit Against CrossFit
by Hugh Jashol
September 3, 2019
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Today marks the conclusion of a decades-long legal struggle as former professional boxer and mumbling enthusiast Rocky Balboa was awarded $45 million in damages from Greg Glassman, founder of CrossFit, Inc.
“Y’know I gotta say, this really means a lot to me,” mumbled Balboa, shaking from a combination of joy and thirty years worth of concussive brain injuries. “A lotta people said we didn’t have a shot, that Glassman was the champ, but yo Adrian, we did it!”
Judge Dorothy Horowitz, of the First Judicial District of Philadelphia, told reporters that while she expressed doubts about the initial merits of the case, once proceedings began the evidence against CrossFit was damning.
“Look, no one is less interested in whatever goes on inside of a CrossFit box than I am,” said Horowitz, a longtime Zumba practitioner. “I was prepared to throw out the case, but Balboa’s team presented an incredible amount of evidence. Years before Mr. Glassman’s company was making money by convincing people to do stupid shit on cheap equipment that will probably lead to grievous bodily harm, Mr. Balboa was doing the same thing in the streets of Philadelphia, or the beaches in California, or even in the goddamn Ural Mountains of Russia.”
“To me, life is the real workout,” Mr. Balboa told reporters, pausing to lift random things over his head to demonstrate his point. “I look at a piece of meat and I’m like yo, it’s a punching bag. Or that pile of logs, that’s just like, the dumbbells that God provided, y’know?”
Mr. Glassman refused to answer calls from reporters following the decision. However, a spokesperson for CrossFit, Inc issued a press release in light of the damages.
“We at CrossFit, which is definitely not a cult, are deeply disappointed at the decision in Philadelphia today,” the press release stated. “We hope to put today’s events behind us and return to our core goal, which remains, as always, to annoy the shit out of you on Facebook with discussion about how hard the WOD was today.”
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We admire the dedication of CrossFitters everywhere to achieve Rocky-like physical fitness, even if they conveniently ignore the fact that Rocky should have died at least 8 times throughout the series.
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Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. You can follow Article 107 News on Twitter at @Article107News. If you’re looking for real news, check out our sister site The Havok Journal. Or you can visit us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at @HavokJournal.